Eijun Sunshine
by EiijunSawa15
Summary: Eijun Sawamura, the new ace of Seidou is diagnosed with a rare life threatening cancer.
1. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER 1**

Eijun finished the exam rather early for the first time. He didn't ask Kanemaru to help him, so he's really proud of himself now but he was not the first one to turn in his paper, maybe a dozen or so others had already finished. He observed their classroom and saw Furuya, taking the exam seriously.

Staring at his rival's face, Sawamura didn't expect that he will become the Ace on their second years. He finally beat Furuya for the position of Ace but he's not happy at all. Probably because coach Kataoka said he was disappointed on Sawamura's current performances.

" _I am not sick…"_ Eijun murmured.

Before the second semester begin, Sawamura and his father and mother meet the doctor in Tokyo, whose job it is to deliver the most frightening news and who instantly becomes the grim reaper for Sawamura's eyes. That doctor is the person on the scene who Sawamura don't want to see again.

When his family found out about Eijun's condition two months ago, they hug him and they cried all night. They are trying to stay strong for Eijun but it's hard for them because sometimes his family just want to cry and let it all out and Eijun can't. He don't want to make them worry or scared.

 _"Tumor board?"_ Eijun's mother gasped.

" _Who coined the term tumor board, I wonder…"_ Eijun's father said.

The room has a ceiling that is too low and getting lower every minute. There are windows on both sides of the room but they don't open. The doctor taps the stack of paper like a deck of cards, making sure the edges are neat. He will begin to recite directly from Sawamura Eijun's medical file.

Eijun will wish the doctor would stop, saying _"My mistake, this isn't you. You and your parents can go now."_ but the doctor doesn't. The doctor will turn a page and lift his chin slightly, slowly breathing in through his nose and looking at Eijun appraisingly.

Eijun pretend to be looking in the doctor's eyes but actually he's staring at the window. Then, a nurse walk by the other side of the glass window, she doesn't look their way because she already knows what they are doing there. She's the person in that same nightmare to whom Eijun keep shouting for help but she can't hear him.

The doctor continues to read the lines in front of Sawamura family. Both Eijun's mother and father raised their eyebrows with disbelief but the brunette don't want to hear it anymore.

 _"...the octreotide scans lit up in these areas…the bulk of the carcinoid is...there are metastases to the liver...tumor on the left lung...blah blah blah…"_

Finally, the doctor stops reading. He finished describing Eijun in the medical terms that the tumor board has agreed upon. Eijun's father whispered to him that he want to hit delete and go back to the old description of his son, the one without the medical terms mixed in but he can't.

The doctor is waiting for Eijun to say something but he's speechless. He asks the husband and wife if they have any questions, then they leave. Without exchanging a word, the family take the elevator down and walk out. Eijun know his legs are there but he can't feel them. His eyes well up at all the questions still running through his head that he didn't ask, like _"How long do I have? Will I make it through the surgery?"._

Having been told that Eijun should have the surgery immediately is more than enough information on how fast his father is driving. Eijun find that his mother hold his left hand while delivering a text message for his grandfather in Nagano using her one hand.

They decided to watch some baseball match to ease the pain. They walk silently toward the stadium seat. Eijun's gaze is resting on the baseball players and he let the tears come. He just sit there and cry. Eijun's father cries right beside him and he have never heard such sadness emerge from his father before.

" _You need to drop out of school, Eijun…"_ Eijun's mother said while crying.

" _H-How about my team? I want to play baseball!"_ Eijun said.

" _Please understand us, Eijun. You are sick!"_ Eijun's father pleased.

" _I…. I can't….!"_ Eijun groaned.

Time passes. Eijun stand and walk to the food court. The money tremble in the wallet under his shaking hand. He take order for his precious father and mother.

 _"Please, don't take me from my family. They needed me. I also wanted to see my friends and play baseball. I'm so afraid. I'm so heartbroken..."_ Eijun prayed while waiting for his order.

September, with a dazzling blue sky. During breakfast with Eijun's friends and teammates, the pain that had launched him into the emergency room in agony exactly two months before comes creeping back into his stomach. Eijun know this pain, he know right where it started and where it will end up. He observe everyone, they're too busy with their food.

 _"Ugh! I feel sick to my stomach…"_ Eijun said.

He know something is wrong. As soon as the pain begins to radiate around to his back, he push the plate across the table, positive that he cannot eat.

" _...hmmm?"_ Furuya whispered.

 _"I wouldn't worry about it. We all hold our tension there, Eijun-kun."_ Haruichi said.

" _Haha! You're just tired!"_ Miyuki smiled.

" _Oi! Eat your food Sawamura or I will report you!"_ Kanemaru said.

He heard them saying, their delayed reaction to the pain of Eijun's stomach. He want them to be right but Eijun know that this is different.

They finished and running in the field with other members. Eijun run very slowly, he observe his teammates. With his 10 mile stare straight over their shoulders, looking blankly, Eijun absently watch them shouting _"Go Seidou! Fight Seidou!"._

They still had no idea about Sawamura's condition. Since Eijun mentally answering the pain that is besieging him, he actually grateful for their distraction. He's no longer present. He touch his stomach gently while running slowly, hoping the pain will go away as suddenly as it appeared.

Just about 7 hours later, the mysterious pain vanishes without a trace. Eijun was delighted and relieved that he suddenly fine after long hours of school and practices. Kuramochi leaves the dorm room to talk to the coach and 3 hours later, Eijun walk towards the vending machine to buy some drinks but a surprise awaits him back at the dorm.

No sooner do he step into the door, the pain which had totally vanished hits Eijun's abdomen like a popping balloon. It knocks the brunette to his knees, the soda bottle still in his hand. He gently lay it down on the ground and he try to breathe.

Suddenly, Asada walks in, _"Hospital please!"_ Sawamura said while his kouhai is clearly confused.

" _Sawamura-senpai?!"_ Asada said.

Immediately, Eijun was given some type of shot for pain relief. It seems that none of the nurse is able to make immediate heads or tails of his pain, so he was admitted. Then finally, one doctor arrived. He looks Eijun directly in the eyes. He puts a strong hand on the brunette's back when he begin to cry after being informed that Eijun will have to stop playing baseball as soon as possible.

" _No way I can't play baseball anymore!"_ Eijun said to himself.

He lie awake in the hospital bed. He's missing his old self. The doctor releases him the next morning and he take the advice. Back at Seidou, Eijun was waiting for the doctor at the other end of the line to give him the results of the blood work that was sent to American clinic to verify the diagnosis at coach Kataoka's office.

" _What's wrong, Sawamura?"_ Kataoka asked while Rei and coach Ochiai staring at the brunette's pale face.

Eijun keep staring at the windows, looking for answers. He confirm upon one solid look in the reflection of the window that he do not look very well.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2**

Coach Kataoka have planned to remove Eijun in the team after he told them about his condition. Eijun was thinking about staying to continue his study in Seidou High School and that if he have to wait for surgery he won't get clearance to stay there from the doctor. Kataoka think that he should tell to everyone about Sawamura's condition soon.

One day, coach Kataoka talked to Eijun in the middle of their practice, _"Is everything all right, Sawamura?"_ He asked.

 _"I'm okay. I'm just….scared."_ Eijun answer nervously.

Then Kataoka asks the one question Sawamura don't want him to ask, _"What are you scared about?"_

There's an ample pause. The coach is waiting for Eijun's answer. He's afraid to give it to him but then he do. _"I'm scared that I have cancer… that I couldn't play baseball anymore with my friends." He said._

 _"Really? I don't think you should worry about that. I know you will be okay and you can go back here as long as you want if you are completely recovered."_ The coach said calmly.

Eijun just giving him a smile then went back to the practice, trying to believe him, staring blankly at his teammates.

" _When cancer happens, none of us is ever really ready."_ Eijun said to himself.

Weeks have passed, Eijun was gasping for breath and his legs were so weak that he could hardly support himself. After a few more determined strides, he collapsed to his knees, his eyes burning from the sweat were still searching the ball to throw one more pitch but he finally reached the limit of his body.

" _S-Sawamura, are you okay?! Hey!"_ Miyuki asked, helping him to stand but Sawamura didn't answer.

Everyone was wondering and whispering. Everyone was staring at their ace.

" _What's wrong?"_ Coach Kataoka approached.

" _He suddenly collapsed coach!"_ Miyuki answered.

" _Okay, everyone just go back to the practice! Now!"_ Kataoka said.

" _Y-Yes sir!"_

As he wake up, Eijun wearily began to focus on the upper corners of the room. They are too close. In fact, the whole room has shrunk substantially. He don't remember anything about this room at all. Also, it is rocking slightly. It feels like he's moving.

He close his eyes, he let the rocking soothe him and imagine that he's flying in the star but he open his eyes again. He's in the ambulance. Eijun look at the paramedic at his side and tried to ask him as long as he can speak, _"W...What am I doing here...?"_

 _"We're in an ambulance right now on our way over to another hospital, kid."_

 _"W-Why?"_ Eijun whisper.

 _"Let's see...it looks like you've had your appendix removed. When you first come in the Shibou Hospital, the doctor perform operation while you are still unconscious and they usually keep patients overnight with that."_

" _So it's appendix? That stupid doctor was wrong, saying I have cancer."_ Eijun said to himself.

Eijun quickly conclude that he's one of those medical mistakes people hear about on the news.

 _"Your father with shades is following us."_ The paramedic fills Eijun in, answering his next question before Eijun's useless attempt to ask it.

" _My father? Coach Kataoka?"_ Eijun wondered.

He's drifting in and out, nauseous, trying to hold on to the edges and outlines. They open the ambulance door, with a nice rush of fresh air. The first thing Eijun notice is that it's night and he's not at dorm. He see Kataoka's face, the night sky framing it.

 _"Appendix?"_ Eijun manage in whisper.

 _"Yes, Sawamura. They discovered that it was in pretty bad shape and about to rupture so they sent for a general surgeon and it was removed."_ Kataoka said.

Eijun feel relief and he wanted to cry. So that's what has been causing all the trouble. Now his troubles are over. He can still play baseball and become a great Ace in Japan.

As the hospital room appears around him, Eijun see Takashima Rei, _"The coach told me about your suddenly collapsed, Sawamura. How do you feel?"_

 _"I'm fine, Miss Rei..."_ Eijun answer with smile.

Eijun get further apart from the general anesthesia and closer to reality. He slowly start put things together. The next thing that Eijun wanted to know is why Rei is still in the hospital with him and did she already contact his family in Nagano? It's late for her and the brunette was surprised that she hasn't gone home.

 _"It's so late for you, Miss Rei."_ Eijun say, trying to get her to go home.

 _"I'm going to spend the night, Sawamura. I just think I'd better stay here and make sure that you do all right."_ Rei tells him with her innocent smile.

 _"Miss Rei, why am I here?"_ Eijun ask seriously.

 _"Do you like some food, Sawamura?"_ Rei answers but Eijun continue to ask.

 _"What else do they need me for? I want to go home..."_ Eijun said while staring at her face.

" _Did you mean, your hometown?"_ Rei asked.

" _No… I mean…. Seidou's dorm…"_ Eijun answered.

 _"Well, Sawamura, there's more that the doctor wanted to check out."_ She says in her perfectly voice.

Turning her back to fill Eijun's water cup, _"Coach Kataoka and your father will come down here first thing in the morning and talk to you."_

Eijun hear her saying. So his father was already here as well. He close his eyes. He can't struggle with words anymore. Why doesn't his father just... talk to him now? He hear himself mentally trying to control the situation.

The wall clock reads 7:15 am, and it is morning. Eijun saw his father sitting on the edge of his bed and they're alone. Eijun's quiet. He don't need to talk. His father going to tell him the truth.

 _"Eijun, your cancer. There is no cure, but it's slowly growing. That carcinoid generally does not respond to chemotherapy or to radiation the way most cancers do."_ He said carefully.

 _"That surgical removal is the standard course for most carcinoid patients."_ He added.

Eijun didn't say anything and he feel like he's going to cry but his father hold his cold hand, _"With a successful surgery you can do pretty well, Eijun."_ He explained.

Many hours have passed. Eijun stay alone in the hospital room for a while. His cell phone rings, he glance over to see the familiar name, it's Wakana.

" _Oh no, that old man have told her!"_ He pick it up and slowly swipe the accept button.

 _"I'm so sorry, Eijun!"_ She sobs.

 _"I wish it could be me. What is this?"_

" _Ei-chan! Why does it have to be you?"_

" _You are very kind. It should be me!"_

He heard his friends saying in Wakana's cellphone, they are all crying. His friends from Nagano.

Listening to their voice, Eijun's heart is pained by their tears of anguish and disbelief. He can't bear to hear them crying over him like this. In attempt to cheer himself up and to keep his friends smile, Eijun tell them that now he have got cancer, he may never have to go to the dentist again.

They join Eijun in a lame chuckle and said _"Yeah, that could be a bonus, Ei-chan!"_

Then he hear them start to cry again. He let Wakana hang up first and he quietly close his phone and drop it through the rail of the bed. He don't care if it rings all day. He observe his surroundings. They're all in black and white. Eijun quickly find that the best thing to be at the moment is numb. Everything close to him becomes a blur.

 _"I'm going to... die?"_


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3**

The nurse tells Eijun that he'll be able to go home later today and he's thinking sarcastically, now he can start thinking of how he will eventually have to tell his friends. He's hoping that _"eventually"_ will never come and that this will all turn out to be another misdiagnosis. He can't tell them that he have cancer. The ace of Seidou with a cancer, it's not right and it's unnatural. It's unreal.

It's too soon for him to know that this will be the beginning of all kinds of angels showing up. When Eijun got back to the dorm early, his roommates Kuramochi waiting there with Asada inside the room. Eijun walk straight into their arms and start to cry. His senpai taught him good and always took care of him when he was a newbie in Seidou. Asada walks Eijun to his bed and reaches out to him with a gift. It's a color blue beanie.

" _Sawamura-senpai, why are you still here? It's not good for you to stay here."_ Asada said.

" _I know… I just wanted to spend few more days here and I will go back to Nagano. My father was here in Tokyo for a while to help me."_ Eijun smiled.

" _You are really stupid! Now you are sick I'm sure the head coach gonna replace you for the position of ace."_ Kuramochi said.

" _Yeah…"_ Eijun nodded.

 _"Miyuki and the rest began to worry about you, asking_ _where have you been these past few days. The head coach doesn't want to answer._ _When do you plan to tell them about your condition?"_ Kuramochi asked.

 _"I don't know yet..."_ Eijun replied.

 _"May I ask you, senpai? What kind of cancer do you have?"_ Asada asked nervously.

 _"Uhmm... it's carcinoid..."_ Eijun replied with sad eyes.

Carcinoid tumors are slowly growing malignancies, usually in the ileum, the lower section of the small intestine. These tumors may spread to the liver and also may metastasize to the lungs and other organs. Occasionally, carcinoid tumors can cause the flushing of the skin and diarrhea. The doctor said that many live 5 to 10 years after the cancer has spread because the tumor grows slowly and death usually results from heart or liver failure when the cancer reaches these organs.

" _Some people fully recover after surgical treatment."_ The doctor added.

The doctor also explained that the removal of Eijun's carcinoid tumor is a tricky surgery. The tumors do not like to be disturbed, it can result in cardiac arrest. To avoid this possible outcome of cardiac arrest as a result of Eijun's upcoming surgery, he's being pre-treated with daily subcutaneous injections to his abdomen.

He will need one three times a day for two weeks. He have a severe aversion to needles, so when it comes to injections, looking away is how Eijun have gotten this far. His father comes to his rescue and gives Eijun the thrice daily shots.

" _Dad, I feel like I'm going to die..."_ Eijun said.

His father calms him and said, _"Don't worry. You have a strong heart and you made it through. That's what's important."_

Another days have passed, Eijun and his father meet again the doctor. The father ask the doctor at the end of his son's exam, _"How long do you think my son have had it?"_

" _Five, possibly even ten years. That's all I can see."_ The doctor replied.

Eijun can see by his father's expression that this is yet another piece of information that he's trying to deal with, he's surprised by it, but Eijun is not.

" _It's not uncommon for carcinoid patients to have the cancer for a long time before it finally presents enough symptoms to be correctly diagnosed, it's so difficult to spot."_ The doctor also tell them that over next five days they will 'stage' Eijun's disease.

His father accompanies Eijun to every test, and there are a lot. He was there to help tie Eijun's hospital gown in the back. He was there to push his son in wheelchair or quietly help the brunette into the car.

" _Dad... I cannot endure one more...torturous test!"_ Eijun say, starting to cry. _"I missed every lessons, every practices, even our games! I can't do this. I don't even feel well enough to hold a ball, let alone submit myself to a radioactive injection. Are they insane?"_

What Eijun's not saying is that he don't want to discover what nuclear medicine has to offer him. He don't want a test that will clarify that there might be more tumors in his abdomen than they had first suspected.

" _I miss playing baseball!"_ He rant on, realizing that he sound just like a little kid.

His father looks Eijun squarely in the eyes and then holds his son tight, not saying a word. This is a cavern much too deep in which to venture. He gives Eijun strength through his silence. His father is brave enough to let Eijun cry and cry some more.

The next day, they meet again the doctor, _"The first test that needs to be performed to begin the staging process is an echocardiogram. It's basically a three dimensional picture of your heart, Sawamura."_ He tells the brunette.

" _I want that done right away, so I've got you schedule for tomorrow morning. I want to check out the valves in your heart."_ He added.

" _Yeah, I do."_ Eijun said but he have already lost his courage to ask why. So he don't.

Thirty minutes later, in the doctor's office. Eijun have never seen such sadness or complete empathy in the doctor's eyes before or since. The father and son are grateful that it was by the doctor's kind and gentle manner that they were first really told how bad things actually were. The doctor's sensitivity somehow made it more bearable.

Eijun and his father lean close together in the chairs along the wall. The doctor prepares to impart the information that Eijun can barely stand to hear. Sensing this, he lowers his voice to just above a whisper and begins.

" _I need to be honest with you, Sawamura. The tumors are everywhere."_ The doctor says but Eijun freeze.

" _Yours is the most extreme case of carcinoid tumor that I have ever seen, it's so rare. It appears to have metastasized all over the inside of your abdomen."_ He added delicately, slowly.

" _This is serious, I'm so sorry, I really am."_ The doctor said, pausing, trying to let us absorb just the surface of what he is saying.

" _What does it look like? Can you see these tumors?"_ Eijun ask, trying to get a visual, in the pitch black that has closed in around.

" _Yes, you can. They look like tiny grains of rice, white and rubber."_ The doctor answers.

" _Ohhh..."_ is all that Eijun seem to have available. It's a response he's using a lot.

" _I can do the surgery that you need but there is something else that we need to talk about now."_ The doctor said as he adjusted the glasses on his nose and over his ears.

" _It's your heart, Sawamura. If the cancer has metastasized to your heart...there won't be anything I can do….surgically, I mean."_ The doctor informs Eijun, swallowing, looking carefully over at the father, then back to Eijun.

" _W-What does that mean?"_ Eijun's father ask, starting to cry.

" _Carcinoid tumors cannot be removed from the heart, sir. It is surgically impossible. This is why I need to tell you this, so that you understand about the echocardiogram tomorrow."_ The doctor says in a hoarse whisper.

He is so genuinely afraid for the boy, that Eijun feel for a moment that he is about to cry while his father's hands are slightly trembling.

Eijun's mind goes blank and then praying comes to his mind. First, he pray for mercy. Then he start trying to make deals with God. _"I'm not always praying but please… let my heart be clear. Give me a chance so I can play baseball again! Just let my heart show up clear and I'll never ask you for any more favors, ever. Well, maybe a few, but not huge ones!"_

This kind of pleading runs in a circle between Eijun and God all the way back to the Seidou's dorm.

Once in his dorm room, Eijun drop to his knees, gripping the bedpost, trying to hold on to something, anything, with both hands. He found letters placed on his desk from his friends and teammates that night. Asking if he's okay, they didn't see their ace anymore except Kuramochi and Asada, especially in the practice. They don't even know yet that Eijun have cancer. Only his roommates, coach Kataoka, Rei and coach Ochiai. How will he tell them? He can't. He have only got three days left at Seidou.


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4**

The person might Eijun not have been counting on can turn out to be the real deal. This is the person who decides how he can help Eijun and then just does it. Furuya turns out to be one of these people. He comes to Sawamura's dorm to see him, without hesitation, on the Friday night following Eijun's diagnosis. When Furuya arrives at night, Eijun hear a knock and then Kuramochi tearing down the stairs of the bunker bed to see who could possibly be out there this late.

Eijun hear his senpai shrieks of delight, _"Ohhh, it's you huh? Hehe!"._

Eijun was in the bed already when he heard Furuya's loudly whisper his name from the door while Kuramochi's watching them. He sat up in the bed and turn to see those grey eyes looking into Sawamura's.

" _How are ya?"_ Furuya asked.

Eijun smiled, and then step out into the hallway and give each other that next look that was coming, the look about Eijun's condition, a hard look to exchange. That night, they just talked about memories of their rivalry and team work.

 _"You'll become the ace... again."_ Sawamura laughed.

 _"Huh? Why?"_ Furuya wondered.

 _"Hehe, just wait."_ Sawamura smiled.

Wednesday, Eijun decided to go alone to visit the doctor's office since his father was busy working on their farm in Nagano. He still not be able to attend or watch Seidou's match this week. Eijun turn off his phone temporary so his friends couldn't contact him. So no one could. In the taxi cab, he stared out the window, he saw group of boys wearing baseball jersey running in the side of the street. Eijun smiled, how delightful to see it. Staring at his own reflection in the window, he notice how pale and thin he was now.

Terror pulses through Eijun's veins and pounds in his head as the echocardiogram is underway. This is so much more profound than he thought, than some random line thinking. This is about Eijun's passion, the most important thing in his life, the baseball.

" _So what kind of cancer do you have,Sawamura-kun?"_ The young lady echocardiographer chirp.

" _C-Carcinoid tumor."_ Eijun said distantly, trying to discourage her from asking Eijun anything else.

The room is dim except for the shifting light of the screen in front of the young lady.

" _Oh, really? Well. I've never heard of that one before."_ She blabs.

" _It's rare."_ Eijun replied succinctly, interfering the end of this discussion that the lady is so inappropriately perky about having.

" _So...how did they find it?"_ She asks absently, with just a thread of interest, as her gaze remains fixed on the screen, her right hand clicking away at the keyboard.

" _Please. Stop talking…."_ Eijun hear himself say, in the tone of a direct order, not of a request. He shut his eyes and shut her out. He don't care how she feels. He just want the young lady to shut up.

" _Your doctor will be in soon."_ She finishes curtly.

" _Can't you just tell me, please?"_ Eijun begged the lady since she like to talk so much.

" _I really can't. I'm sorry, we're not allowed to, Sawamura-kun."_ She said, satisfied to throw her rule at Eijun.

" _I know it's hard. He'll be right in. I promise."_ She said rushing out, her truly pathetic apology landing like a brick on a cloud.

Waiting for the doctor, Eijun decided to pray in his mind again, _"Please, let me have this chance, please. Guardian Angel, don't leave me under the ice, I'm freezing to death down here. I can't breathe. I know you don't swim, but please pull me out. I can't feel anything...my heart is barely beating!"_

" _Sawamura? You okay?"_ The doctor's voice sounds as though his mouth is full of marbles.

Eijun's trying to nod his head yes, but it won't move. He's immobilized by the freezing water. Then he hear the muted thud of something heavy smashing down on the ice above him. He hear a dull crack, the ice splitting, slow and staggered.

" _Your heart is clear, Sawamura."_ He said. _"It's perfectly clear. Your heart is in good shape."_

The doctor's voice vibrates in the air like the tone of a triangle, as Eijun gasp for his first breath. The doctor doesn't see the angel kneeling beside him. That angel's arms are elbow deep in the icy water, hands firmly under Eijun's arms, thumbs pressing hard into his clavicles, hauling him out of the crack in the frozen ocean into the stiff morning light.

" _Dad, my heart is clear!"_ Eijun said happily into the phone. He heard his mother and his grandfather voices celebrating in the background.

" _Woaah! Really!?"_ His father said in disbelief. He asked Eijun to watch his team's match and also to tell them that he have this disease but Eijun decided that nothing would be worse than telling them after the game, where their memory of hearing of Eijun's cancer would be forever sealed. So Eijun try to decide on a location where he can drop the bomb and later it won't matter.

* * *

It takes calculated energy to appear the opposite of the way Eijun feel. This is something which an ordinary baseball boy with cancer knows well. It won't always be possible. Eijun know this, but while he's still able, he want to give the smile to his friends. It's because he know that it will not be long before his charade is through. It may not be right, but it's what an stupid people does and it's what Eijun's doing to feel that he's still in control of some corner of his shattered life.

All Seidou's members were eating breakfast together. Someone's quiet, laughing and talking. Eijun is well aware that he won't be able to eat but he tried to eat it anyway to put his friends at ease.

 _"We barely spoke all months since Sawamura got sick."_ Miyuki said, he took a sip from the straw in his soft drink while Kuramochi and Asada listening to their conversation.

 _"Yeah, it feels like an eternity since last we were completely together with our new ace."_ Haruichi said, smiling calmly, then he gives Eijun a serious look, _"Actually, I'm a little freaked out. I'm worried about you, Eijun-kun."_ Haruichi added and all Seidou member's turn their head towards Sawamura.

Eijun gulped and swallowed, trying to think if he should really tell this to all of them, but he forced to tell the truth.

 _"You know guys, that I've been pretty sick lately, so I want to tell you a little bit more about it."_ Eijun said carefully. They give him their full attention. They know things aren't right, and they want to know exactly why.

 _"This last month, when they kept me in the hospital that night, it was because I had my appendix removed. We know that people have their appendixes removed all the time, and your appendix turns out to be one of the organs that you don't really need that much, so that part is okay. The only thing is that when my doctor did that surgery on me... he finally figured out the real reason that I haven't been feeling good. You guys remember how I had pain when we eat together last time?"_ They nod except Kuramochi and Asada.

 _"Well, it turns out that I have cancer."_ There, Eijun have said it.

Everyone's eyes just opened wider except for Eijun's two roommates. Then, he explained to them what the doctor said to Eijun and to his father.

 _"I don't want you guys to start thinking about all of those movies and stories where the character dies of cancer. I have really weird and rare kind cancer called carcinoid tumor. The kind I have grows really slowly, so that's good. Things can turn out well for me."_ Eijun rub his nose, then smile.

 _"Can you die of your kind? You're too young! It's just unbelievable, Sawamura!"_ Toujou ask, getting to the only point that matters, making Eijun's thighs go numb.

 _"Yes, but that's not my plan. I plan to beat this cancer!"_ Eijun smile. They all smile. _"I don't know if the head coach had a chance to tell you that I won't be going to school and training anymore because I need to be here for the operation."_

 _"Yeah, he did. He said to us that you are sick, so you are not allowed to play or to go anywhere."_ Miyuki tells him, he's completely focused on Eijun's pale face.

 _"Ohhh... good!"_ Eijun answer, trying to make positive conversation, he announce, _"Well, if you're going to visit me, that's fine. That will be a lot of fun."_ Eijun smile.

 _"Can I bring my big brother?"_ Haruichi asks.

 _"Of course! I miss our senpais already!"_ Eijun said with a big smile. Apparently, they are satisfied with the level of information, but Eijun still have a few things to say.

 _"Uhmm, so about this cancer business, you know me, guys. I'm not the kind of person who gives up. Plus, you know my family in Nagano, they take good care of me, so you don't need to worry. I may be in bed a lot, you know getting better but my father's ready to help and inform you about my health status."_ Eijun added while everyone grew silent.

 _"I'm so sorry guys that we have to go through this, but let's try not to worry too much and just see how we can all get through this, all right?"_ Eijun finish, trying to cheer everyone.

Eijun make it all the way back to the spirit dorm without crying while the rest of the team are doing some training , by making small talk with Haruno and other Seidou's managers. Eijun know a whole lot more that he could have told them, but it felt like enough for the first round. By the time Eijun reach the door knob of his dorm room, he cried so hard that he can barely see through the tears. Sawamura don't know how he got through it. He only just beginning to feel it. His cancer is already becoming a burden to his life, destroying his passion for baseball and this hurts the brunette deeply.

The next day, Seidou's baseball club arranged a small party before Sawamura left for Nagano. Eijun was grateful that he's there and not in the hospital again, missing this moment. The team think Sawamura need a little break from the pain.

Kuramochi's snapping all the pictures, most of the senpais were making foods and the others were decorating. Eijun's thinking that these will be his happiest memories. Then it happens. Anxiety rushes through his body, his hands feel like two thick sponges and he can't swallow.

 _"Are these last pictures that anyone will take of me with my friends and teammates? Or will I be there in their game until they reached Koshien, cheering them forever with my smile?"_ The thoughts utterly topple of his sense of composure. Eijun try to imagine himself well enough to entertain the whole team.

He notice that he have involuntarily backed out of the room. He go to the dorm bathroom, he used to think nothing of posing for a picture with teams. He simply awestruck as Eijun try to understand how he may no loner be in those photo albums. He want to scream, but all he can do is cry. Eijun is too tired to scream.

Standing, Eijun see himself in the mirror. He look like a corpse. He splash some water on his face and gently wipe it, He's going to make an effort to at least look good in the pictures that are being taken. If indeed they are that last to be taken, at least they'll say, _"Sawamura was so handsome and cute. How could he really have been so sick? He didn't look sick. He's happy in all of these."_

Later that night, when the party is over. Furuya and Sawamura walked in silence to the baseball field.

 _"So, how are you doing?"_ Furuya asked, looking at Sawamura.

 _"I don't know. I'm just so glad that I am here with you guys."_ Eijun answer, reluctant to meet his rival's gaze.

 _"Don't give up, 'kay? I'm gonna be strong too from now on, tough and smart. I'm gonna help the team to reach Koshien."_ Furuya said proudly and Eijun give him a smile.

 _"Geh! Okay! Good luck, ace!"_ Eijun said.


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER 5**

In these past months, Eijun have hospitalized five times, twice with unexplained severe pain. He have undergone a painful lung biopsy, partially conscious so that he could respond to direction from the doctor. Eijun's doctor also explained that he had to go between two ribs to get the sample, while trying to avoid puncturing his lungs and etc. His bowels and abdominal cavity, including his liver are full of cancer. Eijun will be going back to Nagano to meet another doctor there and he will be farther away from his friends.

Today is the last day of staying in Seidou, Eijun managed to pack all his belongings although he's not feeling well. Before Eijun leave Seidou, coach Kataoka calls Eijun to his office and to ask if he can take Eijun to lunch and after that he will accompanying Eijun at the train station. He say yes, and they meet outside the spirit dorm after Kataoka finish his task. Eijun didn't even say another goodbye to everyone on his last moment in Seidou High School, everyone were all inside of their classroom but they knew Eijun will be leaving today.

 _"Goodbye... Seidou."_ Eijun whispered.

He took one last look around as the wind blew out his brown hair. He like being here, in Seidou. And he will miss everyone terribly, but he can't stay here anymore. He felt tears coming to his eyes so Eijun bent his head down. Tears started coming out of his eyes, he wanted them to stop but he couldn't stop them. Coach Kataoka was comforting him, saying he needs to be strong.

Coach Kataoka helped Eijun to be a good baseball player, and he's like a second father to Sawamura. The moment they're seated at the Chinese restaurant, the head coach wastes no time getting to the point, the point about Eijun's cancer.

 _"I want to tell you something, Sawamura. You can make it through this. You've got what it takes. You're one tough kid."_ He said and Eijun is nodding in a barely visible way.

 _"Now, I'm serious, Sawamura."_ Coah Kataoka said.

Eijun fix his stare on Kataoka's polo shirt. He's not ready to look at him yet. Kataoka gently patted Eijun's shoulder, the brunette have no choice but to look him in the eyes. When he do, coach Kataoka gathers Eijun up in his soulful gaze and takes a deep breath.

 _"You're the toughest. You're the strongest."_ Kataoka said with a slow drag on each word.

 _"Thanks, boss."_ Eijun smiled.

Then, he let's go, and they continue eating their meal, comfortable without further conversation, since there's nothing left to say that matters. Sipping their tea, their content with looking up now and then.

 _"Now, I just know you're gonna make it, Sawamura, and don't let them put any other idea in your head when you go out there in Nagano. You'll get through this."_ Kataoka finishes, waving the flag at the finish line.

As they stand to leave, the fortune cookies arrive. They each pick one up, but Eijun decide not to open it. Instead, he hand his cookie to coach Kataoka, and Eijun smile softly. He knows what Eijun mean.

On their way out, Eijun stop just before the door and ask quietly, as would anyone about the possibility of the impossible, _"Do you really think so, boss, really?"_

 _"Absolutely."_ Kataoka answers with smile.

Sawamura don't think of Kataoka who prays, but at least the head coach was eager to deliver Eijun to his appointment with God. Kataoka drives Eijun to the church, where they meeting a priest, who is waiting to pray with Eijun before he leave on his trip. Coach Kataoka being punctual, they enter the church a few minutes early, take a seat, and wait in silence.

 _"I think you've met the boss... I mean, Mr. Kataoka Tesshin, haven't you?"_ Eijun said to the priest as he enters through the door, precisely on time.

 _"Yes, of course. He's my childhood friend. Welcome here. Shall we pray?"_ The priest said and asked sincerely.

Eijun walk forward as his answer. The priest takes both of Eijun's hands, then dropping one, reaches out to coach Kataoka without asking, pulls him to them anyway. Putting the priest's arms around their shoulders, he pulls them closer still.

The priest begins to ask God for many things. _"By Christ's glory, cleanse Eijun Sawamura's blood and heal him, Lord God. We come here, asking for your miracle...wherever two or more are gathered in your name..."_

Near the end of their prayer, Eijun look across at Kataoka, and he is crying.

 _"Amen."_ Kataoka says, wiping his eyes.

1:15 pm, Eijun's father is coming to take his son, he's waiting at the Akagi train station. Then, they're going to a private hospital to meet the doctor there. Eijun gets inside their old car and wipes his sweats. He's not feeling so well this morning.

 _"Are you okay?"_ Eijun's father worried.

 _"Yeah..."_ Eijun nodded.

Then, Eijun's father drive to the main road, turn somewhere to the right, they stop at the drive-through for a small order of foods. Even though Eijun have a slight fever and no desire to eat, they chat a little bit with his father, and he find himself laughing at some of his father's jokes. He guess them being together for a little while hasn't been all bad. They both have same attitude and same point of view.

They cross the street from Eijun's old school where now already demolished and enter the new hospital building in Nagano. This is the beginning of Eijun's introduction to the most advanced and efficient medical environment that he have ever seen, much less experienced. He's practically running into people due to his lack of ability to focus on where he's going, which is down to the lab area to have Eijun's blood drawn. Five minutes later, it has been drawn and sent off to be analyzed so the results will be available to him for his appointment three hours from now, rather than next week.

Eijun's father left his son alone in the waiting room for a while, he's going to meet his old friends who work here. Eijun wish the Seidou Baseball Club was here today by his side to give him the support. He find himself thinking about how much time he'll have between his other scheduled appointments, so that he can visit his friends' house here in Nagano. From what Eijun can see, all of the people employed here are attentive and informed in their specific areas.

 _Be strong, Bakamura. Don't give up._

Eijun received a text message from Kuramochi and he could feel his senpai's concern for him. He began to cry. His tears were really streaming down, to the point where Eijun couldn't wipe them fast enough. He give Kuramochi a reply immediately.

 _Thanks, senpai!_

As the hours passed, they meet the doctor, who specializes in Eijun's rare cancer. They enter the room, bows and shakes their hands, then takes a seat in front of Eijun and his father. The doctor's desk does not separate Eijun from him. He reviews Eijun's scans and test results to date and explains, slowly, yet succinctly.

 _"Sawamura-kun, I recommend that a major tumor surgery be done immediately."_ He seems clear on Eijun's current condition being serious, yet he appears unable, or unwilling to promise anything about the future of the young boy. Eijun don't press the doctor for more after he can't get answer to his question.

 _"Sir, do you think that my son can make it five years, because what I've read says eighteen to thirty-six months?"_ Eijun's father asked, then Eijun stares at him.

The doctor hesitates, hesitates in that, _"I know a lot that I'd really rather not scare you with right now."_

Both Eijun and his father can't believe the doctor's hesitation. The doctor has to say yes to five years. He has to say yes, If Eijun stay really quiet, the doctor will say yes... Eijun mentally fill in the black hole where the doctor yes should have already been.

Eijun write the following script for the doctor with lightning speed: _"Of course, your son will definitely have five years, not to worry. He will probably have a lot longer than that. He can go back to his school and play baseball again after that."_

But the doctor's still not talking. Eijun know that his doctor has to say no soon, since it's him they're talking about and the alternative answer couldn't be for him. Since Eijun is no longer breathing, he's as quiet as is humanly possible without being dead.

He's keeping his mind sharply focused on the answer that he's waiting for, which is when that will be. The longer the doctor says nothing, the more Eijun want to tear the stupid flat screen monitor from in front of the doctor's steady gaze and hurl it out of the window. He don't want the doctor to calculate any more information, or to keep looking at all there is to see, which is lots and lots of cancer everywhere. But there's no window.

The doctor must see that all of the blood running through the young boy's body has turned to ice. Eijun sit there staring down at his hands. He's struggling to imagine not even seeing his family and friends, the surface of his eyes begins stinging with how much he want his no, but he won't cry, because the doctor's going to say it. The doctor's taking a breath in through his nose and here it comes. The doctor tells them what he have already know.

 _"I knew a fellow doctor which is without a doubt the best surgeon for carcinoid for your son, Mister Sawamura. He will be with you here in just under an hour. If you'd like to wait here, you're welcome to, or you all can go for a walk then come on back."_ The doctor said gently, trying not to fracture the ice sculpture sitting across from him.

Eijun and his father decided to wait and to meet another doctor again in whose hands Eijun will place the balance of that quickly finishing future. The doctor tap Eijun's shoulder, wants to cheer him up, _"You're doing great, young boy. Hang in there."_

Eijun eyes are fixed at whatever angle they were when the doctor didn't say yes and the brunette was barely breathing. The doctor pushes back from his desk, smiles with closed lips and leaving. Eijun want to do the same, he want to leave, but he can't move.


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER 6**

Eijun and his father are unable to find their feet, much less take that walk the way normal people might do. The only thing they can do is look at each other. Their eyes connect in that father and son way for the first time since they sat down with the doctor. Eijun find that just looking into his father's tired eyes is by far the hardest thing to do. He also saw such great sadness in the lines under his father's eyes that Eijun know he understand how sad his son now. His father rubbed Eijun's back gently until the next doctor knocks on the door to see if anybody is in there.

The hour they were told they would have to wait has passed in a blur, and the new doctor enter the room, Dr. Hideki Hirofumi. He's 48 years old , but when he smiles he looks younger. That doctor is not in any way unclear on the subject of Eijun's cancer, and it shows. He has apparently read the boy's case history in its entirety and is prepared to remark on any aspect that Eijun's father bring up. The doctor is completely informed, able and available in every way. He asks Eijun all about his friends and wants to see a picture of them. Of course, he instantly cheered up by showing one to the doctor using his cellphone. He notices the baseball team and he says _"Oh! Seidou High, I remember I watched one of their game last year. I can't believe you are a pitcher."_

 _"Really?! Wow!"_ Eijun said, feeling a mischievous smile inside, because as irrelevant as it seems, it feels like the Seidou Baseball Club is his lucky charm.

Bringing yet another light and uplifting question to the table, the doctor asks, _"So, how is your team now?"_

 _"They're fine and energetic."_ Eijun answer.

 _"Well, let's get you feeling better so you can teach me how to pitch."_ The doctor chuckles. Eijun just envisioning pitching the ball with the doctor melts the ice in his veins and puts the color back in his cheeks.

 _"On that note, I'd like to see you have this surgery done right away, so that we can get you back Seidou school with your team. I feel that you can do well with this surgery."_ The doctor said, his voice, words and mannerisms all exuding his confidence in a successful outcome. _"I'm enthusiastic about your case, Sawamura-kun and I feel strongly that I can help you. Aside from the cancer, you are in every other way an extraordinarily wonderful and amazing pitcher. I will do absolutely everything in my power to help you get a good outcome here."_ He finishes with fireworks.

Since Eijun just back in Nagano, he imagine that he will be walking the new doctor through his case history. Eijun expect to have to look up every so often to see if his new doctor is catching on, or to have to stop and clarify the results of this or that hospitalization or test. That never happens. That whole experience is the opposite of begging a doctor for attention. Apparently that doctor has done his research and is interested and prepared to take immediate action to help Sawamura.

There in Nagano, there are people taking care of him, not the reverse. He feel that his interest is the only interest at hand. He feel truly cared for. He see talent everywhere he look. It stretches itself out in front of him, unfurling from the tangled-up little wad that it was five minutes ago. Getting there will be rough, but there is absolutely no doubt in Eijun's mind that the doctor is the surgeon that Eijun want to see him through.

When Eijun ask when the doctor wants to do the surgery, he says brightly, _"How about tomorrow?"_ Eijun was taken aback. He's not ready for this. While Eijun is intrigued to have become this doctor's number one priority, his answer underscores the level of trouble that Eijun was in. He wasn't expecting to have surgery right now. Eijun thought he would be sent back to their home for a while.

He's quiet at this prospect even his father does not answer for him. Eijun mentally retreat to his home where he know that he want to celebrate his birthday with his friends. Inviting his old friends in the party. Knowing this, Eijun need to picture them in their house, with his love and care, for the many weeks that he will be far away temporary from their home in recovery after his operation.

Sheepishly, Eijun tell his doctor this, fully expecting the doctor to make light of it, with Eijun's father nodding in agreement, both telling Dr. Hideki that Eijun should opt for the tomorrow-morning plan, and agree to have surgery in 18 hours. Instead, the doctor leans forward and says, _"Absolutely. It's important for you to celebrate your birthday with your friends, and that things are going to be well taken care of. You go on home and do that. I want you to come into this feeling settled, as settled as possible given the circumstances."_ He scans his Day Timer and asks, _"Would next month, seem appropriate, Sawamura-kun?"_

 _"That's fine."_ Eijun replied. At once, he's relieved and feeling optimistic about his future for the first time.

Then, it's Friday morning. Sawamura was back in Hospital building with his father again, he's sitting on the end of the examination table in the doctor's office, while his father was sitting in the cozy little corner. Eijun was full of angst, terrified of his impending surgery. They were waiting to see the doctor, once more, before he went back to their home on Saturday afternoon. Eijun have been forced to feel way too much in such a short period of hospital gown has become far too familiar. The thin layer of paper covering the examination table beneath him makes a crinkling sound every time Sawamura shift. It begins to grate on his nerves, of which he have very few left. This ingenious layer of disposable white tissue is there to keep him safe from germs.

Just then, the other doctor comes in. Eijun was just staring at him, but his father looks annoyed and blurt out, _"How can you do this job, doctor? It's depressing. Your patients are all dying. How can you stand this every day?"_ He's serious, ready for an argument with his son's doctor.

Caught off guard, the other doctor takes a moment and leans against the wall. Looking curiously upward, he turns his gaze to Eijun and back to his father and says calmly with conviction, _"We can do it because we see wonderful things. Sometimes we see things that defy medicine."_

 _"What, like miracles?"_ Eijun suggest.

 _"Yes, Sawamura-kun. Occasionally, we even see miracles. And all of my patients are not dying."_ he corrects Eijun's father sincerely, the right corner of his mouth pulling back toward his ear.

 _"So, why you tossed my son out?"_ Eijun's father asked, raising his eyebrows at him.

 _"Because I saw an angel behind Sawamura-kun. His voice kept saying Doctor Hideki's name."_ the old doctor said without a single second of hesitation. The old doctor's voice is full of honest enthusiasm.

Months have passed, Eijun's father and his grandfather are already in the car. The front door is open, and Eijun is on his way out. He's only intending to quickly choose a jacket to wear as he leave for his operation. Instead of seeing jackets and sneakers as they are, Eijun see the emptiness they will represent if he do not return. The sadness makes him so afraid for his family and friends and for the Seidou Baseball Club.

Looking down at his shoes, Eijun wonder who will have to pick them up and put them in a box if he don't make it through the surgery, 'IF' he don't make it back. These are things he have never thought of when looking at his own shoes.

 _"Are you ready, Ei-chan?"_ His mother says kindly from his back.

 _"No. I'm not sure that I am, mom."_ Eijun answer, without looking back at her.

 _"You can make it, honey."_ She said softly. She hugged his son and nuzzled her head into Eijun's hair.

 _"Thank you, mom."_ Eijun smiled, hugging her back.

Sawamura was about to undergo a major five hour abdominal surgery, a search and destroy mission. He's signing consent forms that release Dr. Hideki in case of the worst. Eijun figure that it's okay because back at home, inside his drawer is his Last Will, in case Eijun didn't make it. He do have a smile for his father and grandfather as they start to roll Eijun down the corridor, away from them. Eijun have to just go with this, he's telling himself.

While he's waiting, two IV technicians show up to do their job. Eijun have never known a place where just the business of inserting IVs into people is a full time profession. Here, it is. They have a two tiered cart and are apparently familiar with every little box, needle, tube, clip and stopper on it. Smiling, they place Eijun's IV so swiftly and elegantly that he hardly notice that they are finished and smoothing out the tape that goes over the needle in his thin arm. There is no miss, second time, problem or pain, just, _"Well, there you are, Sawamura-kun."_

Eijun was waiting to meet his old doctor. He requested this through his surgeon's office so he can meet again the person who helped him. The doctor arrives at Eijun's side. His eyes fill with tears, the doctor takes both of Eijun's hands in his and holds them good and tight, looks the boy straight in the eyes, and says with a sweet smile, _"We won't lose you, Sawamura-kun. We promise. You can play baseball again after this."_

In the few minutes before Eijun rolled into the operating room, he close his eyes. He enter in his happiest memories when he was playing baseball with his friends and the rest of Seidou players as well. He think them over and over, letting his mind and small body to sleep as the first injection is administered.

Eijun should have known that, the only possible way to get twelve uninterrupted hours of sleep would be surgery. One thing about sleeping, if he can call it that, during a surgery, is that he have no sense of time passing the way he do in his own bed. Some twelve hours have disappeared, and it is now roughly 8:00 pm. Finding and removing all the cancer that is there has extended Sawamura's five hour surgery into nine hours.

Sadly, this fact leaves his father and grandfather pacing in the waiting room for an extra four hours without word of the boy's condition. While Eijun was unconscious, they have the really difficult job. It isn't easy to be the one who is sitting there waiting. Eijun can only hope that answering all of the continuously incoming calls from his mother and friends. Luckily, being friendly and direct, his grandfather loves to talk. He makes the perfect "surgery-update relay point" for the rest of his friends and also for coach Kataoka. That's how they probably remember it.

Eijun's first postoperative memory is of his sliding off a giant blue plastic spatula thing onto a bed, like a fish from pan onto a plate. The weight of Eijun's body bears no significance as they easily move it from one surface to another. Eijun's father standing right there at the end of his son's bed like a giant archangel from a Renaissance painting. Eijun's wondering in a fuzzy way whether his father is really there with him or if Eijun was in Heaven, because just over his father's shoulder, Eijun see the profile of a strong angel in Heaven.

There are nursed on both sides of Eijun, as well as others coming and going, clipping, snipping and rearranging. They are checking the tubes that are running in every direction, and adjusting things in general. Apparently, there are a lot of things to check on in a person whose abdominal cavity has been completely disassembled and then put back together again.

Eijun's eyelids weigh more than his thoughts. Like shutters, they open slowly, then close, capturing only single frames: His father staring at him, squeezing his left hand with both of his.

 _"Good night, my precious son. Stay strong, okay?"_ His father whispers past as Eijun's closed his eyes. His father's deep, gentle voice climbs over the wall of sleep. Eijun hear him, though, because no matter how faint his conscious presence may be, he can permanently recognize the sound of the loving father.


	7. Chapter 7

**CHAPTER 7**

The morning arrives, Eijun's old doctor and Dr. Hideki come to see the young boy. Dr. Hideki check Eijun's incision, which the latter has personally stitched and is obviously proud of. They tell Eijun and each other that it looks really good. Eijun was glad of their summary, because he had never seen anything like it before and " _good_ " would be the farthest adjective from his mind. Eijun hazard a look down at it himself. He had never been a person who wants to see anyone's remarkable stitches, and Eijun do not feel any warmer about it now that they are his to inspect. He's waiting to hear the results of Dr. Hideki's work.

 _"Well, good morning, Sawamura-kun. How are you doing?"_

 _"Pretty well, I think."_

 _"I got 98 to 99 percent of it!"_ Dr. Hideki said, as easy as can be.

Eijun is so happy that he can barely speak. His father and grandfather and Eijun exchange a three-way smile.

 _"There are two small tumors that I had to leave behind. One is in the center of your spleen, which could not be removed without removing your whole spleen, which I wasn't comfortable with,"_ the doctor explains. _"The other is the spot on your lung, which you know about. That will have to be removed when the time is right. I think, over all, that we were successful."_ He finishes with a smile.

This is the first really good news that Eijun have heard since this all began. His good news will have scans and blood work to verify it. Eijun's eyes are full of tears, but these are tears of gratitude.

 _"Thank you, Dr. Hideki, thank you so much."_ Eijun said.

 _(This is all Eijun can say to the man who has just saved his life?)_ He said to himself.

 _"Don't mention it. It's my job. I'm just happy to see you doing well."_ That's what a real hero says, with a pleasant demeanor, when he's spent a full day pulling Eijun out of a raging sea. _"No problem!"_ he added.

Too weak to hold a phone to his ear for more than one minute, Eijun strictly reserve his cellphone energy for Seidou baseball club. All other calls are taken and relayed to him by his father and sometimes by his grandfather. Eijun's grandfather is an expert in communication. He enhances and expands all of Eijun one-word answers to include all sorts of detail, so that the caller on the other end feels satisfied that they have actually spoken to Eijun.

Eijun's grandfather makes friend in the same time, he's already got two new friends lined up, one man on either side of Eijun's room. The old man lunches with these new people and then keeps Eijun abreast of all of the new developments in relation to their loved ones' progress, as well as what everyone's had to eat. When Eijun inching along the hall three times a day, holding on to his rolling podium, they wave to him as Eijun pass, and smile an informed smile, nodding a nod that wishes the young boy well. Eijun tell himself that it's a good thing that he have his new friends waving at him, because being far from everyone, he won't have any visitors of his own.

A hospital room isn't the best place to spend the night for Eijun. Night after night, it becomes particularly grueling and lonesome. Because of this, he discover some new things about himself, things that he couldn't see until he's stripped down to the bare essentials. Then those things just sit right there for people to notice.

Being alone at night sometimes is definitely what Eijun notice. This is when he have the deepest desire to be at Seidou dorm, playing baseball. He become a wreck at night, every night. He miss running with his beloved tires. He miss doing practice with friends. Being so far from them in the middle of the night, missing them is the hardest thing to cope with. Fortunately, the Seidou team gave him a stuffed animal the day after Eijun's surgery. It's an akita dog plushie and it's really look like him. Eijun hold on to him every night and prop him under his sore neck every day. He also remember the old woman tell him that adults will rarely admit to it, that a stuffed animal is a cozy thing to have in the hospital, no matter your age.

The next day, the father and son first excursion is to the shower. Eijun's father pushes his son in wheelchair down the hall to the bath station, which is all set up with a salon-style sink. While Eijun is in the shower, he's shocked to find out that he can't raise his arms up past his shoulders. Afterward, he's grateful that his father was always by his side, he doing all the work. Three good washed and one deep conditioning later, Eijun feel like a king. His father washing Eijun's hair, once a simple task, is now a great luxury. Eijun haven't had to bear that particular insult of losing his hair, as most cancer patients do, since chemotherapy isn't part of his treatment.

Their 30 minutes excursion exhausts Eijun, but having his father help him scrub up allows Eijun to regain a sense of personal dignity, an aspect of privacy he had generally taken for granted. That privacy has been slowly diminishing, as Eijun's personal hygiene has become a public affair for his father to handle. But right now, Eijun's catching a glimpse of sunshine in his father's healthy face and, as he continue to learn, this moment is all that counts. His father keeps hanging in here with him. He stands close by and helps Eijun discover that he's strong enough and brave enough to take more of whatever it is that Eijun's sure he can't take.

The last time Eijun had anything to eat or drink was five days ago, at four o'clock on the night before his surgery. Suffice it to say that he would have certainly savored that drink, had he known how long it would be until he would have another. A drink becomes all he can think of. He vary the types of drinks that he imagine. A long, cool drink of water is the desired beverage of the moment. His nurses are trained and accustomed to turning a deaf ear to this particular brand of misery, and they have their answers all ready to pull out in case they have to respond to Eijun's lame plea for just one sip.

 _"You might be able to have chips and sips in a day or two. We'll have to see how you're doing, Sawamura-kun."_ the night nurse tells him.

Eijun sure that they have lost their minds. He's sure that they can't be serious about not giving the young boy a drink for this many days. As it turns out, on this particular ward of this hospital, where virtually every patient has undergone an abdominal surgery of a significant nature, they are. Very serious.

 _"I just don't understand why I can't have a drink, miss."_

 _"Your intestines have 'closed up shop' and until they are open for business, nothing goes into your stomach."_ the nurse said.

 _"When will that be?"_ Eijun ask, already knowing that the number will not be one that he like.

 _"Well, now, it's normally about one day for every hour of surgery that was done."_

 _"Please! I want a drink! I can't stand this for even one more day!_ " Eijun said sullenly.

While his nurses are kind and courteous in manner, it becomes abundantly clear that they are not open to Eijun's suggestions on the routine that must be followed in order for the boy to recover. The lack of an actual drink isn't where the torture ends. In order to make sure Eijun's sense of thirst is heightened, his nurse routinely comes in and swabs out the inside of his mouth with a fine, rough, purple sponge in the shape of a star mounted on top of a sucket stick. This sponge is more the texture of a pumice stone and thus is barely damp.

Finally, Eijun's father will help his son begin the journey home. In the hospital lobby, suddenly, people stare. Well, It's human nature. They gawk when they saw a sight of Eijun's father, a tall and muscular, pushing a smidge of a boy the size of a child in a wheelchair. Eijun thought if those staring people had seen him just six months ago, strong and happy Sawamura, he's convinced that they would not believe it to be the same boy sitting here. Eijun was confident and had no personality to spare. Now he's twig-thin and in such a weakened condition that he's unable even to walk through the outside of hospital.

The longer he sit there in the wheelchair, a pitiful sight, the more he see that this is the beginning of his merging back into the world. While he's being stared at, Eijun promise himself never to even sneak a stare at someone, ever again. Instead he'll try to offer the nearly invisible nod of compassion that he's beginning to learn from others. Every so often, he'll receive one from an elderly person, with enough life behind them to know better than to just stare.

Carefully, he makes every possible effort to have the arduous journey be as painless as possible. Eijun can only walk unassisted the distance that he can go in a slow shuffle for about two or three minutes. This is how he move between bed and wheelchair, wheelchair to car, car to wheelchair. Piece by piece and slowly, Eijun successfully make it all the way from his bed in hospital to his bed on the second floor of their house.

Opening their own front door, Eijun enter feeling triumphant.

 _"I've made it!_ _I'm home!"_ Eijun yelled.

He's walking through the front door and into the arms of his mother, grandfather and friends. Also, Chris who has flown in from his home to help. Chris helps Eijun out of a shallow bath of rosewater soap and hot water and dries off the young boy's back, Eijun step into his freshly pressed pajama. Chris help Eijun comb his hair and his mother helps him climb into his bed. Eijun lie there absorbing the lofty white bed, delightfully cool, clean linens. Eijun's mother pulls the sheets up over his son.

 _"You're home. I'm so glad that you're home, sweetheart._ " she said with tears rimming her eyes.

Wiping them away with a corner of Eijun's T-shirt, her mother opens the window, the clean air laced with the scent of flower washes over his face, so fresh and Eijun moved to tears.

Two days passed, 9:15 pm, Eijun was in so much pain again that he lose light of all reason. He can't talk or listen to anyone or anything. Pain can be a tricky subject. It screams through every nerve. He haven't yet fully learned the way to manage his pain outside of the hospital, without the little black button to click.

Eijun call Haruichi to see what wisdom he can shed on his seemingly hopeless situation with regard to pain. Haruichi's father has survived cancer twice. He says, _"My father always told us that pain is a train, you have to stay on it. Never let it get ahead of you or you'll never catch up. You have to take your meds just before the window is closed, so that you stay ahead of it."_

Oh, that's great. Eijun was informed too late, the train has gotten away and he's in agony.

There are hundreds of tiny strings of pain all crisscrossing in different places inside of him so that it's become one indefinite sensation. Eijun feel as if he's burning alive from the inside out. He should be taking his temperature four times a day, but he stopped taking it a day ago, or whenever it was that the pain took center stage, demanding his complete attention and ruling out all else.

At 4:30 am. Eijun choose whom to wake. Should it be his father, mother or Eitoku grandpa, or Chris-senpai? Eijun choose the last, since Chris visited him in Nagano just to help him. Eijun hobble down two flights of stairs, peeking into the guest room where Chris sleeping. He creep in and sit on the end of his senpai's bed.

 _"Chris-senpai...!"_

 _"What's the matter, Sawamura?"_ Chris whispered.

 _"I don't know... I'm sick. I have...a fever, I'm freezing."_ Eijun told him.

 _"Here, get in, Sawamura."_ Chris directs Eijun into the bed, as he rolls over and gets out of the other side. He heads for a thermometer and more blankets to pile on top of Eijun.

 _"103.5, that's not good."_ Chris said to himself, squinting at the thermometer's glowing light, while involuntarily shaking his right foot as he sits on the end of the bed.

 _"I need...to see the doctor."_ Eijun groan.

 _"We should go to the emergency room, Sawamura."_ Chris said, seeing a simple solution.

 _"No, Chris-senpai...I'm too sick for that. I can't deal with...that place again."_ Eijun counter, realizing at once how illogical that sounds.

 _"Okay. Let's call your doctor and see what he thinks."_ Chris tries again. _"But it's not even five o'clock in the morning. Do you think he'll call us back soon?"_ he wonders out loud.

 _"Yes, I do."_ Eijun said.

Once again, lucks are with Eijun. Not only do he get a call back, but it's his doctor on the line, as he happens to be the doctor on call. Eijun was relieved that his doctor knows each twist and turn to Eijun's case before the surgery he had, so he won't have to do much explaining.

As for what the doctor thinks, _"I want you to get to the emergency room immediately and I'll meet you there, Sawamura-kun."_

The emergency convoy has been awakened and assembled. Eijun's mother was in the kitchen making a pot of tea. His father is already dressed, readying the car. Before Eijun can even get his jacket from the closet, he hear the engine turning over as his father attempts to warm up the brittle car. Chris was moving quickly and quietly. His mother standing next to him, quiet, caressing his son's hair gently, she's coming with them. His grandfather is ready in a flash and helping his grandson get his shoes on in the front hall. The underlying feeling Eijun have about his body is difficult to assess. It's as if the volume is being turned up in a direct, yet imperceptible manner. By the time Eijun find himself screaming to turn it down, he's already drowned out.

 _"I'm going to die?"_


	8. Chapter 8

**CHAPTER 8**

At the hospital, they take a CT scan, abdominal X-ray, blood draw etc. Eijun cry with each test because he can barely manage the additional discomfort that each one presents. His doctor takes Eijun's emaciated hand, and holding it tight, gives the young boy a good looking over.

 _"Tell me what's happening here, Sawamura-kun?"_ he asked.

 _"I don't know, but it's not good. I'm so nauseated...it's too much pain...it's not good. I'm not okay. Not at all."_ Eijun whisper to the doctor in a tight groan, through a stream of tears.

 _"Yeah, okay. Hang in here. We'll get this figured out, okay?"_ the doctor replies, tipping his head to the side, in the same direction as Eijun, while closely looking into the boy's eyes. The doctor's waiting for Eijun barely visible nod to let the adult know that Eijun agreed to stick around while the doctor gets more help.

Eijun's body is in too much pain to bear. It simply can't do anything more to contain him, so he let any angel who is at his side lift him softly to a nearby perch while he look on because when you're floating, you hear everything.

Eijun watch all of their faces: first Chris, then a nurse, then his father and mother and grandfather, then the doctor, all appearing then disappearing. They all come and go from the hallway, that crucial place that affords friends or family members a moment to hide their fears, to huddle and whisper things they don't want Eijun to hear about his condition. This is also where they keep a lookout for a particular doctor to turn up, or get on their cell phones to keep everyone else informed.

It turns out that, no matter where they are or how quietly they speak, Eijun can hear them. He hear them because of what he already know. Eijun know that he's dying. He feel it. He really feel it and he's starting to see a light. He want to tell to Chris his immediate fears about that, that he can't back to Seidou and play baseball anymore but he can't, as Eijun's barely able to talk. This scares the boy to think that might slip away from them. Eijun might float away, like a helium balloon that has gotten loose from a child as he stares up, mouth hanging open, stunned by how quickly and quietly it happened. Eijun's afraid that his family and friends may not be able to see that he's in much bigger trouble than it may appear, or that there is only one thin length of twine between here and gone.

When the fever reaches 104.5, Eijun begin to rely on eye contact as his means to communicate. He think that his doctor knows this secret about patients in dire straits and that is why he looks so adamantly into Eijun's eyes every time he speaks to the boy. The doctor is looking for life and by seeing it, he helps adhere Eijun to the present.

Now Eijun hear them talking about sending him to Tokyo. Yeah, Tokyo, he's coming back to Tokyo. He want to see the Seidou team first, but there's no time to go there. For all of the action and noise around him, Eijun is getting quiet. He's pulling in, so he can focus on what is most important, love and care. That's all that is worth his attention at this point, feeling the love and care that he have for his family and for friends. Life is flowing through him, but a trickle, and that trickle will become a slow drip by the time the sun goes down today.

His grandfather rounds the corner into his grandson's little cubby and stops just short of Eijun's bed. The expression on his face is the one that tells Eijun that he can see his deceased wife, Eijun's grandmother, who is next to the gurney, holding Eijun gently. Eitoku Sawamura is struck with the sight of his only grandson being taken away. A barely audible gasp escaped his lips, but Eijun hear it as he do every other whisper, like the distant tinkle of a thin glass wind chime on a thick, hot summer's day. An old man has this kind of filter on his vision, allowing his information about his grandson long before a medical team can produce a clear-cut answer. Eijun guess that only his grandfather can see now what everyone else will see later.

The doctor is calling for Tokyo Clinic's private plane to come for Eijun. He's told that it's out on another mission until much later this evening.

 _"Later is not optional, Mr. and Mrs. Sawamura. Let's get him on a commercial flight right away."_ Eijun hear his doctor say to his family and Chris in the hall.

As is often the case with cancer, it seems that _"later"_ is the word with which they no longer mingle. Eijun already know that this life has no later to it. There's only _now_. There's no floating along in this one. He need to be airlifted out, as the doctor has recognized. As Eijun lie on his side, Eitoku squeezes in next to his deceased wife and slowly rubs Eijun's back, reminding him to stay with them, that Eijun was still there.

Twenty minutes later, Chris has appeared with Eijun's father, having driven home to get their things. Fortunately, Eijun's bag is always packed and sitting in his bedroom, ready to go with him at any time. Sawamura family have learned, in their new life with cancer, to be prepared. Meanwhile, the doctor has signed Eijun's discharge and arrange for him to be admitted to some hospital at Tokyo, and Chris coordinated with their travel agent for a flight.

As Eijun stand up to leave, quicksand grabs his ankles and he practically fall forward. Unable to pick up his feet, he shuffle into Chris' arms and whisper, _"I'm so scared, Chris-senpai! I don't know what's wrong this time!"_ Eijun feel the panic in his voice as he hold on to Chris' shoulders and step into his shoes.

 _"Sawamura, don't be scared."_ Chris said.

 _"I'm scared... I'll never see Seidou again, Chris-senpai!"_ Eijun said, his face crumpling. He see that Chris, too, is full of fear. Chris patted Eijun's hair gently.

 _"Yes, you will, Sawamura,"_ he says, looking into Eijun. _"Now, don't worry, you will!"_ he says again, this time pulling Eijun close, hugging him more tightly and slightly, like the way you hug a person you know you may never see again.

As they walk toward the doors of the emergency room, Eijun notice that his feet are so cold and thin that they're slipping back and forth inside his shoes.

 _"Will you stay with mom, grandpa?"_ Eijun asked his grandfather, as he helps his grandson into the front seat of the waiting car. He holds what used to be Eijun's elbow, it now feels like a boney hook.

 _"Yes, I will, Eijun. She's so sad when you got cancer. I won't leave your mother for one minute until you're home. Now don't you worry, you'll be alright."_ he said with a gentle smile, trying to convince himself and help Eijun to believe what he can't see, trying to help him find blind faith in this vast unknown. What Eijun can see is the total love and care in his grandfather's eyes, and from the side-view mirror of the car, Eijun watch his mother and grandfather until they disappear.

Eijun quietly begin to beg God to _"Please, bring me back home, please! Also, please let me see the Seidou team once again!"_ Eijun notice that for someone who promised not to ask God for more favors, he's been asking Him for a number of them lately. To accept what Eijun don't know and to have faith in what he can't see is the key to staying quiet and focused on life, even if it is hard to see.

Together, the doctor and his father have decided that Eijun will be on the flight to Akagi. His father's driving, trying to keep ahead of the storm. Chris was in the backseat, tapping his cell phone, maybe to inform the head coach or someone else from Seidou. While his father is busy, Chris puts his hand over the seat onto Eijun's right shoulder and keeps it there. His helping Eijun hold on. Eijun can tell that his senpai got the feeling that this might be the last time he will see Eijun Sawamura. Without looking, Eijun can sense Chris' tears behind him.

To imagine Chris crying is near impossibility, as anyone who knows him can tell you. He's a serious guy, hard worker. He's not the type to break down. He's capable of facing any storm, but this one appears to be brewing out of control.

Forty minutes later, they arrive at Akagi Airport, pulling up to curbside check-in, and Chris disregards his strong principles regarding being rude, pushy or confrontational in any manner. He jumps out of the car on serious mission, cuts in front of a long line of already frustrated travelers, and checks them in. He's intensely anxious and large to boot, no one tangles with him. With icy glares, they just fix their stares high at the back of Chris' head, whispering low.

In less than six seconds, a traffic officer is already heading their way, pointing and shouting that they can't be where they are, but there's not a thing, including a cop, that can stop Eijun's father from opening the door and Chris helping Eijun to his feet as Chris tosses a bag onto the curb and waves a skycap over for a wheelchair.

The focused officer marches up, shouting at them, _"Stay in your car, you can't stand here! Get back in your car!"_ Huffing steam from the man's nose, he makes himself taller and puffs out his chest as he takes out his pad.

 _"Forgive us, we need to hurry sir! My friend needed to go to Tokyo right now!"_ Chris begged but the officer decided to ignore him. Making a show of folding back the top pages, he begins writing them a big ticket. Eijun's innate optimism trying to rise to the occasion, he's thinking, _Good._

 _"There's a vote for me. Go ahead, write it up."_ Eijun said to himself.

For the first time in his life, Eijun is actually thrilled to see a traffic cop writing them a ticket. He's not sure his family will be there to pay it, but since the man seem to think so, Eijun was with the man. To his dismay, the man takes one good look at the boy and stop casting his vote. Eijun can see all kinds of things cross the man's mind, as they cross his face. Then, Eijun look so deeply into the man's eyes that his right hand drops to his side. Pocketing his pen, he pulls out a whistle, which he blows in several sharp barks, while waving the security guard in their direction.

Now Eijun know that he must be the picture of death and misery, to be able to stop an angry, eager, ticket-writing cop in his ticket-writing tracks. Just like that, he's now on Eijun's side of the equation. A security guard arrives, and they help Eijun into the chair, placing a tag of some kind around his neck. _"I still need you to move your car, sir."_ Eijun hear the man say calmly, politely, almost regretfully to his father and Chris. Eijun's thinking that now he know they're in trouble.

Chris takes Eijun's wheelchair from the security guard, nodding for him to lead the way. The man's jogging ahead of them, radio in hand, verbally taking down barriers before they even get to them. Now with only five minutes until the plane departs, they are running Eijun through the terminal, cutting through all lines. They pick up an armed guard who whisks them past security and onto an elevator which an officer is holding open. They head down to the tunnel, where the man's armed presence automatically orders passengers out of their way. As they approach the gate, Eijun can see by the expectant look in their direction from the agent that the airline has gotten word, likely from his doctor, and held the flight. Once again, the doctor is out there, pulling for Eijun. He never drops the ball.

Outside, alone in the cold gray morning, Eijun's father is driving the roundabout over and over in an absolute panic, waiting to hear if they've made it on board. Chris calls him from the jetway, out of breath, saying, _"We've made it, we're on!"_ Eijun feel his father relief and fear as Chris hangs up.

Meanwhile, Eijun can see the whole story in the other passengers' faces the moment he enter the cabin. Some have been getting worked up and angry that all of their well-timed plans are dashed. They are through waiting for some idiot who can't set an alarm clock. When they lay eyes on the young boy, their expression change instantly, from frustration to sympathetic terror. Eijun must look much worse than he did just four hours ago in their home. People are clearly afraid that Eijun might sit next to them and be contagious.

A beautiful flight attendant picks up on it, too. Halfway through the cabin, she taps Chris on the shoulder and invite them with a beckoning finger to sit in first class where there are three empty seats. It may be generosity, but Eijun believe that it's so they can close the curtain on him, the sideshow. They, too, appear scared that Eijun might not make their destination, and they would rather not involve all the passengers. Eijun's not sure he want to fly first class after this, now being under the impression that it is the preferred place for a passenger to die.

No one says this, no one has to. All you need are a pair of eyes with average vision to see that this doesn't look good. Eijun wish someone could tell the passengers that they can't catch the life threatening sepsis that he have. What Eijun have is locked up inside of him and is too busy trying to kill him to harm anyone else.


	9. Chapter 9

**CHAPTER 9**

As they will learn at Tokyo Clinic, Eijun have a liver abscess and several separate pockets of fluid have formed in his abdomen. Within these are growing an overwhelming bacterial infection. Eijun don't know this yet, because back in his another hospital they only saw a single large abscess, one which they were going to puncture and drain. Eijun was saved by his doctor's bold decision to nix their plan, based on his opinion that Eijun's CT scan had not been read correctly. His doctor was right, as the doctors at Tokyo Clinic quickly reveal that the abscess they were planning to puncture and drain was, in fact, Eijun's full bladder, while a staph infection in his liver, along with sepsis, was the actual cause of his fever, pain and severe potential mishap is fully documented and is even now hard to read and come to terms with. It has become abundantly clear that staying in Nagano, for a single day longer would definitely have cost him his life.

Eijun was admitted through the emergency entrance of the Tokyo Clinic. A wristband is quickly attached, he's placed on a gurney and an IV is put in place as he's swept downstream.

He thought he had already earned his doctorate in pain, but it turns out he was wrong. He's not sedated when the first of three syringes, each the size of a turkey baster and fitted with a large and frightening needle, is inserted straight through his lower abdomen, still tender from surgery, into a pocket of yellow fluid that is now being sucked back out into the syringe.

Nothing in his growing list of miserable procedures had prepared him for this experience. Eijun is thinking that they can't seriously be doing this to him, to the young boy straight out, with no painkillers. The high-tech procedure room that resembles a spaceship has just transformed itself into a medieval torture chamber.

Eijun will himself to pass out or die, but he don't get his way. Eijun was screaming to the nurse on his left, _"Seriously? Are you kidding me? I can't do this! No! No way!"_ as though the lady nurse will somehow put an end to that procedure. Instead, she helps the other nurse on Eijun's right to hold the boy still, while giving Eijun a true look of empathy, as the third nurse prepared the second syringe. In Eijun's weakened condition, like a gutted fish with a fresh set of stitches running straight down his center, it doesn't take much to restrain him. The searing pain that has just been imparted to his lower abdomen does part of the job, while the two nurses easily do the rest.

 _"Can't we give Sawamura-kun something?"_ one nurse, seeing Eijun's agony, anxiously asks the doctor.

 _"Not right now. I need him with me, so he can hold his breath for that last draw. I need that needle placed right between those ribs,"_ he replied. Turning a quick glance Eijun's way, he says, _"Hang in here with me, and I'll get you through this as quickly as I can, all right?"_

 _"I'd rather be shot."_ Eijun answer, crying, moaning but totally serious.

 _"Sorry, we don't keep any guns around here."_ Doctor said.

The insertion of the third and thickest needle is the final frontier in pain, as it requires Eijun's cooperation. When it has, at last, made it between his ribs and into his liver, Eijun glance across and down at the thick needle and the huge, clear syringe sticking out, and he think of the shaft of an arrow, just like in the old Westerns.

Eijun imagine a cowboy on his knees, gritting his teeth, sweating bullets, just like him. The cowboy's trying in vain to pull the arrow out, hoping that someone will have mercy on him and just shoot him out of his misery. No one shoots him, instead, they grab the shaft, pull the arrow out, tape Eijun up and drop him back into the pain.

Eijun continue downstream, faceup, ears under, mouth closed. The doctor is listening to a strange mixture of sounds, the quick, even huffing of the poor boy's exhales through his nose, the occasional slow and labored swallow, the gurgle of gurney's castor wheels rolling beneath him.

Eijun look at his father. Standing beside Chris. The two men were so terribly afraid, afraid that Eijun might be carried away forever this time. Then he look at his senpai, he's sitting close to Eijun's bed, both of his hands holding one of Eijun's limp ones. Chris wants to pull Eijun away from this pain, but he can't and it is hurting him. Watching Eijun Sawamura fade is hurting him.

Soon, Eijun spend with his back to the thin curtain which divides his small room in half; behind it is a young girl who's given her kidney to save her mother. In contrast to his situation, she's heroically rescued her own mother and is happily recovering in her half of the room, which is packed with balloons, cards and flowers.

Eijun's failing to spare his roommate the sounds of his agony. Due to the sensation that a greater is being pulled from his throat while his abdomen is ripping apart each time that he vomit, he's making a racket. Eijun is aware that she's over there doing her best to block out the horrible sounds of his intermittent vomiting and wailing. The volume of her TV goes way up.

His father go outside to buy some food. The time that falls in between, Eijun spend silently, looking deeply and steadily into Chris' eyes. Eijun consciously decided to make it. He can't let his senpai watch this infection take him away, after the fight they've put in against his cancer. He start to really hold on tightly to Chris' care and to the fact that he's still alive, right here, right now.

Looking at Chris, Eijun know that he need to stay by his senpai's side for Seidou. He imagine the hurt Chris will personally have to feel if he don't make it. Worse still, he imagine the hurt Chris will feel for his friends, for his family and for the baseball club if Chris fails to bring Eijun home this time. Then, as if Eijun's emotions for his senpai are not enough, Eijun peek at the thought of Seidou suddenly being without him. This combination is so profoundly painful that he close his eyes and go inside. He subject himself to a place even one level deeper. Within this place, he find his will.

He huddle there until he find his voice. Finally, amid the rubble, Eijun find himself. Keeping his eyes shut, his focus tight and his intention clear, he say to the infection that is taking his life from him, _"I won't let go. I won't give up. You will not beat me, because I want to live!"_

The voice at the center of Eijun's spirit is his being, both thunderous and velvet soft. This is how one more time, this time with little hope and no energy, he decide to fight.

Days have passed until Eijun's introduction to hospital life, he had only previously seen these little plastic cups tucked inside the brown bag with the chopsticks that held the to-go dinner from one of his classmate or friend rather, Kanemaru. He visited Eijun with Toujo but they went back to the dorm immediately. It's usually full of hot mustard, or sweet and sour sauce. Now, his 600 milligram pill and an even larger antibiotic are both sitting obediently on his tray in these same cups, waiting for him to make a move.

Eijun is more of a "one at a time" type, which is how he swallow all of the large pills he's given to take. The problem is that he can't manage to swallow even one of those horse pills tonight. He's doing a perfectly good job of ignoring his meds, until his father pops into his room. He finds Eijun's blank stare squarely fixed on the tilted TV screen hanging from the ceiling. He's watching high school baseball. Oh, he miss playing baseball now.

His father wants to know when Eijun's going to take those two pills and actually swallow them. Eijun put both pills in his mouth at once and reach for his giant water cup . Keeping his eyes on the screen, he boldly imagine himself gulping both pills down the hatch while not actually swallowing them. Every night, his father help him out of his sweat-soaked bed instead the nurse. He will change Eijun's gown and then sit him in the recliner chair while he changes the wet sheets to dry ones. Never annoyed, he wraps a dry, warm blanket tightly around his son. He tucks it in behind Eijun, never allowing him to get chilled, while Eijun wait for him to finish.

Now, his father was standing there and nodding large and slow. He's trying to encourage his only son with the satisfied smile like the task of nurses get when their patients are about to take their meds and not just stare at them. Eijun is thinking to himself that those are the last big pills that he will have to take this month.

He used to just stand up and walk out of a place when Eijun wanted to leave. Now, leaving is a five-day process. Eijun had been through several combinations of antibiotics, and at last, the doctor think he have the right one. It takes a series of major events, and all sorts of doctors and nurses nodding in agreement with their owns assessments, and signatures, lots of signatures.

Today is only the second day of taking all of Eijun's medications orally. He have to be able to do this for five days in a row before he can be partially discharged to some hotel across the street. Once there, he will have to manage for two more days before he can be released to their home. He wish he could visit Seidou Spirit Dorm but he's not allowed to do it.

Now, everything that goes in enters the old-fashioned way, by mouth. No more anything through the nifty little tube leading to Eijun's vein. Until they remove his IV, he don't realize what a happy little device it really is. Miyuki, Kuramochi, Asada and Maezono bring in short cans of Boost and Ensure for nutrition. Do they actually think that Eijun will be fooled by those robust titles? Anyway, these are for old people. Apparently, now that includes Eijun.

"Hey, you can get vanilla if you want!" Miyuki said. Upon closer inspection of the labels of the can, Eijun find that it is full of sugar. Eijun start to cry. Don't they know, there in the hospital, that sugar feeds cancer as well as disables the immune system?

Then, Eijun miss his mother and grandfather so intensely that he don't think he can possibly make it through one more night there without those pills. This is when he start talking to his pills. The disobedient ones that won't stay down don't count, as Eijun soon find out that hard way. He will have to take them again. He realize that, as with anything that has a mind of its own, he has to tell his pills, and his body, what to do.

He stare at the pill cup. He stare at the clock, 8:01. He stare at the cup. He tell himself, at 8:05, he will do this. He take the pill from the cup. He hold it up and have a look at it from all sides. It is way too large to be called a pill, and too chalky. It doesn't have the pretty shiny coat, like a new sled, in a bright color, which makes it slide down your throat. He put it back in its cup on his tray, and start to talk to it. Clearly, He had not only lost a quarter of his body, but of his mind as well. He start to make a deal with this pill.

 _"If I take you, you will stay down there and do your job. You will not make me vomit so that I have to take another one that looks just like you in 30 minutes. You will kill everything that is bad, okay? You will also kill everything that is good, but you will help me to get well. You are my friend!_ " Eijun said out loud. Placing it as far back on his tongue as it can go without making him gag, he suck up a mouth full of water. Face like a blowfish, he look up.

Furuya, Seto, Yui and Okumura were standing there. They're peeking around the half-drawn curtain, the one that protects the wandering eyes of visitors from seeing a live skeleton boy on display. They're frowning at the conversation they had obviously just overheard. Water about to burst from the corners of Eijun's mouth, he gulp fast, half laughing, as Eijun choke it down. He spew water all over anyway.

"There's no other way, guys!" Eijun said, trying to explain his madness.

"That's fine. Just tell your medicine anything you want." Furuya said, relieved to see Eijun's sense of humor.

Eijun's desperation to get out of that hospital is making him do crazy things, but he's finding out that crazy can be good and even healing. It's still okay to laugh. In fact, it's better than that, because now he can hear the sound of his own laughter for the beautiful music that it really is. Now that he know laughed is a treasure, he's going to dig it up and spend it on himself. If it heals one single moment for him, it's worth finding. It's also healing for the people he love and care to see him smile, his real smile, if only for a moment.

 _"Harucchi, you've never seen me like this, seriously. I just want you to know, so you won't freak."_ Eijun is telling his closest friend Haruichi, trying to describe his current appearance to the little boy over the cellphone, trying to prepare him for the sight of new Eijun Sawamura. Chris' gone home now to continue his study in college, while Haruichi is coming to the hospital to visit Eijun. By the time Haruichi arrives tonight after practice, Eijun will be across the street at some hotel, beginning his final days of being formally discharged.

 _"You always look good. I'm sure you're just a little thinner, Eijun-kun. Don't' worry, because I'm not worried."_ Haruichi lightly replies, letting Eijun know that either Haruichi was not listening or is simply unable to imagine that what Eijun had told him is true. Either way, he know that Haruichi is definitely not ready for the sight that awaits him there. What he clearly doesn't know is that the friend he is coming to get is a different one from the person he last saw a year ago, both inside and out.

Eijun can hear the other world in his easy tone, his old world, the one where everything works and nothing is a problem. That is the world where his friends look reasonably good even when they look bad, the world that Eijun left behind when he flew out there hanging on to hid life, the world that no longer includes him, the one he's looking at through a frozen window, the one he's just barely creeping back into.

Eijun hear Haruichi knocking lightly while inserting the plastic key card of hotel and pushing the door open. Eijun raise his right hand in a hello, since it isn't possible to raise his voice enough to reach across the small room. Haruichi's bag drops in a heap on his left foot as both of his hands simultaneously fly up to cover his open mouth. Eijun can see the giant tears rimming his eyes as they fill with the painful sight of him. Haruichi looks across one empty double bed, in total shock, to the other one with what little is left of Eijun lying in it.

 _"Oh no! Oh no, Eijun-kun!"_ is all Haruichi can say before he pulls his bag in and lets the door slam shut behind him.

Tentatively, he crawls up next to Eijun. His bruised, emaciated arms are too hard to look at, so Haruichi takes Eijun's hand in his, carefully, as if he might snap the tiny bones. Then Haruichi lays his head on the pillow next to his friend and simply cries like a frightened child, refusing to look up.

 _"I tried, I tried to tell you, Harucchi..."_ Eijun saying quietly, setting his toothpick of an arm across Haruichi's shoulder.

The night that ensues is rough. One minute Haruichi's helping Eijun empty the vile container at the end of the drain that is coming from his liver. The container and tube are clipped to Eijun's nightshirt like a child's mitten. Next, Haruichi's running for the ice machine down the hall to fill Eijun's ice pack. In between, he's filling the bathtub with hot water where he sits Eijun on the edge, to soak his feet in hopes of warming the shivers out of him. Eijun cannot actually get into the tub due to his still freshly stitched front side. No friend should have to work this hard. Eijun discovering a different aspect of Haruichi: the ability to power through a trying time with utter kindness.


	10. Chapter 10

**CHAPTER 10**

Haruichi calls room service almost every 30 minutes for some item that he thinks his best friend can get excited about eating. Eijun smile from his vantage point as each pretty waitress eagerly arrives, clearly having been informed by the one before her of the cute little high school boy with pink hair with beautiful eyes ordering all the trays. This becomes the most amusement Eijun had experienced in a while. After three trays have gone cold, ice cream finally stands out as a great idea. Haruichi orders.

Seven minutes later, the waitress from tray number one arrives, out of breath, to deliver tray number four, and takes an unashamed glance at Haruichi as he leans over the table and signs the bill. Eijun can tell by the waitress' expression that Haruichi is probably the best thing that has ever happened to the room-service waitresses in the history of that hotel.

With the first spoonful of ice cream, Eijun discover that he's hungry, really hungry, and that he need to eat, but he's trying to maintain some balance to keep each horribly strong medication staying down versus coming up. He finish the first dish of ice cream and find that he's still hungry, so he discard his pious talk about not eating any sugar and the two boys order a second round, a fifth tray.

 _"Eijun-kun, you have to eat something real now, now that you've had dessert."_ Haruichi telling him.

 _"Okay. If they pull this thing out in the morning and say that I can go home, I'll eat the biggest breakfast you can order me."_ Eijun promise him, partly lying, just knowing that the smell of an egg will make him recoil from his word. Of course, Haruichi immediately brings up eggs. _"Eggs. You need protein. Do you promise to eat eggs?"_

 _"Y-yeah...I will. If they let me go home, I'll eat eggs."_ Eijun qualify, hoping that this snug bedtime story will put Haruichi to sleep, so he'll stop talking about eggs. Haruichi planned to stay overnight with Eijun and be home the next day.

Eijun glance over and Haruichi is drifting off. He wish he could trade places and wake up in Haruichi's body so he can play baseball again. Eijun stay awake like that, wishing for different things, stupid things, for about another hour, and then he give up his childish game and fall asleep.

The next day, Haruichi's pushing Eijun in a wheelchair. Eijun's father is not feeling good that time so he choose to stay in the hotel for a while. Haruichi gets Eijun to each of his appointment, and along the way, the two boys find time to buy a box of tea for his grandfather and mother. It seems unreal, Haruichi with a small body pushing Eijun in a wheelchair because Eijun was too broken down to walk. It's a wonderful thing to experience a friendship expanding, when so much else is falling apart.

Finally, the corkscrew of a device is going to be removed by his doctor.

 _"I hope he knows how to get this thing out."_ Eijun say in an aside to the nurse to his left. She starts to smile and says, _"Well, he invented it, so he ought to do just fine, Sawamura-kun."_

 _"Ehh? Seriously?"_ Eijun asked.

 _"Yep."_ She answers proudly as the doctor enters the room.

The doctor starts asking a lot of questions about what's Eijun's favorite food. Then he casts a distraction in the boy's direction by telling a story to him about fly-fishing... Eijun go for the bait, and in that same second when the doctor sets the hook, he deftly removes the drain from Eijun's liver with no pain, just a little tension. Eiun can finally breathe and move without wincing. When they wheel him back to the waiting area he's smiling. Haruichi gives him a high five as Eijun nod yes to the question that his raised eyebrow implies: _"Are you going home?"_

It's sad that Eijun could never visit the Seidou baseball club anymore but once again, it's a long way from Tokyo to Nagano. Somehow the miles and hours pass, and finally his father was helping Eijun step out of the taxi. It is painful for Eijun to straighten up after sitting for so long. They move slowly, arm in arm, through the living room. His mother is right there with his grandfather and his friends, smiling, shaking his head.

 _"Can you even believe this whole thing?"_ His grandfather said to them.

There is so they aren't saying, his family and Eijun. They're on the same side of this emotional seesaw and Eijun's cancer is on the other side. Their last moment together, where they're holding open the door of the idling car outside the emergency room, they were down, close to the ground, looking up at cancer. Right now, at that moment, where they're holding open a different door and Eijun is walking back in. Did they really go from up to down and from down to up, with that long, narrow plank teetering between the Sawamura family?

 _"Here we go, I'm back."_ Eijun said, like an unwelcome guest who's run out of gas one hundred yards down the road.

Once inside the privacy of their bathroom, after showering. Eijun do what he had been so afraid to do: He look at his reflection. First, an impressionistic image appears through the steamed surface of the mirror. He push open the window a crack and the mist slowly begins to dissipate. At once, he's grateful that he hasn't seen a full-length mirror in about many weeks.

Eijun do not recognize the body he now inhabit. Standing there, he take a look at what fighting cancer has done to his small body. Now he know why there are only small mirrors in hospitals: Someone merciful was in charge.

Eijun see a body just like the pictures in magazines and on the world news, a body that has been ravaged by starvation. he once saw a picture that was just that, a picture of someone else's skin and bones and misfortune. But that body was only a distant image, and while he felt compassion, he was not truly able to empathize. Now it's his cheeks that are sunken, his cheekbones high and prominent. He see a narrow neck holding up a head that appears far too large and completely out of proportion to the frail body supporting it. In fact, when the nurse weighed him, fully clothed, at his doctor's office yesterday before he was discharged, he looked down at the ever-so-accurate digital readout and saw only two numbers: nine and seven. It reads ninety-seven pounds? Is that possible? That's how much junior high school student weighs. No, this can't be.

He can see not only his clavicle, but every tiny rib in what now appears to be an empty cage. Over the past few weeks, Eijun glanced down at his incision, the one that's been made to save his life, but he had never looked at it straight on. Where his ribcage slopes above his sternum, an incision begins. It is fifteen inches long and is being held together by twelve thin white strips of tape three inches across, running horizontally.

Frankenstein's monster comes to his mind. The newly added slanted double strips of tape over the incision above his liver, where the drain had been, does not help this image at all. Then, there are the bruises on his lower abdomen that were left by the syringe episode. These illustrate the beat-up way that he feel, with their unattractive display. His hips are no longer smooth. His legs, once muscular, strong and defined, are now stick-thin rails with two round doorknobs where his knees used to be.

Steadily, he continue observing his way along, tipping his head unconsciously, slowly, from side to side, as if preparing to draw a nude boy model in Fundamentals of Human Form drawing class.

Stepping a little closer, he lean toward the mirror to take a better look at his face. He see his own eyes looking back at him and take comfort in their big, round shape. He see softness in an image where everything else is pointy, angular and unrecognizable. He see that the most intimate and lovely feature of all, his eyes, are still full of life, so he keep looking. Leaning closer still, now Eijun can't believe what he don't see. There's no read.

The whites of his eyes are just that, white - white as the white of two poached eggs. Eijun had grown so accustomed to his bloodshot eyes, along with the rest of his carcinoid symptoms, that seeing the whites of his eyes absolutely stuns him. His heart leaps with unexpected joy.

 _"Okay. I'm a bag of bones, but I'm still here."_

Frankly, he look so terrible that Eijun have to laugh. He laugh at his reflection a little, involuntarily raising his hand, covering his mouth, hiding his smile from himself, as if to spare his own feelings. He's saying out loud to himself, _"You've got to be kidding. You look so bad, it's beyond trying to categorize, title and work with."_ Realizing the complete absurdity of this whole moment, Eijun start laughing.

He's laughing so hard that he have to sit on the side of the tub, which hurts his bony bum. Sitting there laughing, trying to hold his ugly stitches together because they feel like they're ripping apart. Then, the momentary thought of those coming apart and how ugly that would be just throws him totally over the edge. It hurts to laugh, it hurts to sit, and it hurts to look. Then he find everything about the way that everything hurts funny. Then Eijun cry himself a big fat river of tears. He's a baseball lover boy, a son, a grandson, a classmate, a teammate and a friend. And, he's even better at being all of these than he was before.

Afternoon, Eijun cannot speak in a voice much above a whisper, so he's forced to wait for a lull in any ongoing conversation in order to ask about something or even to heard at all.

Once Eijun have the floor, he notice that he can be involved for barely five minutes before he's completely drained. Then he use both arms to push himself up, as he stiffly rise from his chair. Once at the top, he shuffle slowly toward his room. Sitting on his bed, he decide which side to lie on, because once he's down, it will be painful to turn over or to get up.

Having eased himself down onto his left side, he let go. He's exhausted. How will he ever make it back to his old strength? When will he be able to attend, watch or play baseball game the way he used to? Now he's cold. He want to cover himself, but the blankets are bunched up at his feet, and it would mean him first pushing himself up and then trying to bend forward to retrieve them. Eijun will have to call someone else to help him. Opening his mouth, he try to call his family. It is too difficult to raise his voice enough to get to the top of the stairway, where it would then have to drop down into the noisy living room into the middle of their work. Instead of the sound of Eijun calling out of his family names, Eijun hear a deep, low, painful moan escape his lips. He begin to weep. This is another kind of weeping altogether, the kind that any children who has had to come to rely on their mother or father will know the sound of. Eijun was so angry, he hate this stupid cancer! He don't want to call his family to help him anymore. He would rather lie there freezing. So he do. He cry himself to sleep.

* * *

 _"A minute for every second. What does that mean?"_

Eijun ask his doctor after he had explained his delayed arrival. That's sixty to one-have he become sixty times slower than he was? It sure feels like it. The doctor is as quiet as usual, having no need for hasty conclusions the way Eijun have.

 _"Sawamura-kun,your body, the well, has run dry."_ Doctor pauses to stretch his answer. _"You can fill it back up, buy it will take time. You'll need to be patient."_

Great. Eijun kind of knew that his doctor would say that. He's right. But his family already know that patience is not Eijun strong point. No matter how badly he want to snap back to the old himself, that's not the way it's going to happen. It's been a month since Eijun's last visit, and at ninety-seven pounds, it feels like there's so little of his body left to work with that he don't know exactly where to begin. But Eijun figure that the new Eijun Sawamura, after treatment, with no cancer, is really the only place to start.

Being an army for many wars before, Eijun have a sense of somewhere to begin with his body at least, but his emotions are fine and tangled, like fishing line in an ungainly mess. For now, though, he's going to concentrate on his physical state, maybe his grandfather will help him. Eijun also feel the need to re-educate himself on nutrition, vitamins, minerals, teas and herbs. Eijun asked his mother to buy the books that he need about cancer, the immune system, nutrition and etc.

 _"Here you are, book delivery Ei-chan~!"_ His mother announces happily that evening when she walks into the house.

 _"Thanks, mom!"_

Eijun begin to look through the table of contents of each book, slowly, dreading all of this new information. How will he get through it? He's intensely interested, but he feel overwhelmed. He's going to try and coax his immune system back into full form. As it turns out, the right nutrition has everything to do with his gaining not only weight, but peace of mind. So he read on, making notes and laying out what will become his map back to essential health. Eijun decide to train his body back to life, one minute at a time, and he want to see each of those minute as they pass.

 ** _Harucchi, check it out, I bought digital watch today!_ **

Eijun send him in the text with his selfie picture.

 _ **Nice Eijun-kun.**_

Haruichi texted back. He also send Eijun a picture with other baseball boys. They're wearing a wry smile, knowing that Eijun is aware of the way it looks clunky on his bony wrist.

Eijun start by walking ten loops around the main floor of their house. He add the stairs to that. After several weeks, he feel ready to head outside, he need the fresh air, and he's restless. The first day he start with 3 minutes. Eijun walk down his road for exactly 3 minutes. Then he stop, turn around, and walk home.

 _"Six minutes! I can do this!"_

Eijun notice that 6 minutes become 10, and then 10 become 20. When he hit 25 one way, he's walking a mile from the the tree outside their home to the corner. The days his old friends with Wakana join him are soulful for Eijun. Sometimes this means tears, other times frustration and fear, but right beside him for all of it with their gentle spirit.

 _"Eitoku, I walked to the corner and back today. Two miles!"_ Eijun tell his grandfather in a satisfied voice when the old man comes home from work in the farm.

 _"Good for you, you stupid grandson You're going to get strong again. You keep walking and then you can start playing baseball again."_

While Eijun's walking his way toward strength, he decide to enlist the talents of their neighbor in acupuncture. Thus begin Eijun's biweekly, two-hour-long treatments to stimulate his immune system and his chances of getting rid of the tumors on his lung and spleen. It might just work.

Eijun don't enjoy all of this fussing over himself. It's a total bore. But he vow to stick to this "beating cancer with his nutrition-walking-acupuncture regime" for three months. Then, Tokyo Clinic will unveil his condition once again with a CT scan and series of lab results.

Eijun tell himself it's worth a try. Healing his body is a long, arduous labor of love. Noticing his body, accounting for what it needs in order to right itself, while trying to remain patient, is a challenge. He want to give himself every chance of winning, so this is how he march the scarp of a body he have left, humbly and step by step, back into his life.

But contrary to Eijun's own good advice about anything, he's now under a loud that just won't lift. He close his eyes and begin to replay a conversation in his head, the one he had with his old doctor eleven days ago when he travel back to Tokyo. The doctor comes in to review the young boy's scans with Eijun and his father.

 _"I don't see anything new."_ The doctor begins.

 _"Great."_ Eijun's father interrupt him, feeling his spine lengthen with his exhale.

 _"Mr._ _Sawamura,_ _I still see the tumor in your son's spleen that we didn't remove, and the small one on the lung...that, for now...we're leaving as a marker."_

Thrilled that the doctor sees nothing new on Eijun's scans, the brunette feel a certain kind of bravery taking the place of the worry that he have felt up until now.

Eijun's father brave self asks. _"So will it just stay like this? Because my son feel really good and it doesn't seem to be spreading, right?"_

 _"No, it won't stay like this Mr. Sawamura."_ The doctor said quietly, as though turning down the volume on what he is saying will make it impossible for the father and son to hear and Eijun will be able to go home as happy as he was.

 _"N-no?"_ Eijun answer. _"What do you mean?"_

 _"Well, it comes back. It's the nature of this disease, of carcinoid."_ The doctor pauses. _"It comes back, Sawamura-kun."_

 _"That's not what I thought..."_ Eijun panic. He can barely even see his doctor through the thick wall of salt water that separates them. _"W-What should I do…?"_

 _"There's the possibility that you will die, and the possibility that you won't die. Just go on back home to Nagano, and enjoy your beautiful family and friends. Enjoy feeling good, and eat lots of ice cream. We want to see you again some more weight, okay?"_ The doctor said with a genuinely warm smile.

As they wait for the elevator, instead of following through with that thought, Eijun switch to thinking about the meaning of the word "elevator". He decide that since he's not feeling "elevated," the elevator is not doing its stated job. Eijun hate elevators.

When he get to their hotel room, his father left his son for awhile just to think while Eijun crawl into the bed fully dressed, right down to his sneakers. He's going to stay in there until the maids come and kick him out, or until he can think of what to do next.

Three seconds later, Chris' calling. It figures. He must hear Eijun, must sense that he's back in the freezing-cold water again. But this time he can't pick it up. He don't want to hear himself say what he know.

Next, Eijun see "Mom" flashing across the screen of his cell phone. He don't pick that up, either. He tell himself that he'll call his mother when he know what has just happened, when he know what to say. Now that Eijun is hiding under the blankets all alone. He know that he should have allowed his mother to come out here with him. He had insisted that she stay at home and just calm. Eijun was so sure that this was going to be quick and easy.

 _"We will go and come right back."_ Eijun told her. _"No problem."_

Eijun can't tell all of them what they just told him. Or does his family and Chris-senpai already know this about cancer, that it comes back? Is he the only one who thought he was coming to the end of this thing? If Eijun had known this before his surgery, would he have gone through with it, knowing that it would come back so that he could have more surgery? How many more surgeries will he need?

Eijun have to live like that for the rest of his life, with carcinoid tumor as a permanent part of his list of things to get rid of? He won't ever get to be cancer free? Why didn't they tell him this?

Deep inside of his tent, he open his cell phone, illuminating his little cave. He hit H and begin scrolling the "H section" of his phonebook, Harucchi, then Hirofumi Hideki, he click and press Send.

 _"Good afternoon, Doctor Hideki's office."_ His secretary answers with pep.

 _"Is doctor Hideki in, please?"_ Eijun ask in barely audible voice.

 _"He is, but he's not taking calls right now."_ She said sweetly in a sing Friday-afternoon voice.

 _"I'm...pretty sure he'll take mine."_ Eijun whisper in a crackle, trying not to cry.

 _"Would you mind telling him that it's Eijun Sawamura from Nagano? I'm here at Tokyo."_ Eijun manage, his voice lackluster and without expression.

 _"Yes, just a minute."_

The next voice he hear is his another doctor.

 _"Yes, Sawamura-kun?"_

Eijun don't try and sound upbeat or even open with common novelty. He just ask the question that was last on his list.

 _"Why didn't you tell me that it would come back? Why didn't you tell me that?"_ Eijun asked, completely sincere in wanting to know the reason, isolated in his tent.

 _"I don't think you asked me about the aspect of it until today,"_ He said slowly, pausing before continuing, _"I truly don't believe that anything would have been gained by telling you when you were at your lowest point, right before your surgery. Knowing this would not have been helpful to you during your initial recovery."_

Eijun stay quiet, waiting for more.

 _"This isn't information that would have helped you these past months."_ Doctor Hideki finishes intelligently, unapologetically. What he's saying rings true, so Eijun agree that does make sense, he's right.

 _"Okay, thanks for taking my call."_

 _"We'll work with this."_ Doctor Hideki added in a fatherly fashion.

 _"Okay."_

 _"I'll see you next time."_ He confirms. _"Hang in there."_ He ends off.

 _"Okay."_

According to the clock on Eijun's phone, it's already been over an hour and it's now 3:20 p.m. The maids still haven't come. Maybe they don't know that they had already checked out.

Suddenly, Eijun want to be home something fierce. He crawl out of his tent and make his way to the lobby, in a numb blur. Eijun don't want to be hanging around the lobby. He don't want people staring at him all blown apart. So as the elevator doors open, he cruise across the room at a clip and, refusing to go through yet one more revolving door, push through the door to its left.

Leaning against the stone wall of the hotel, Eijun call his mother.

 _"Mom... he said that it will come...back."_

Both of them are silent about that one for several seconds. Then she says lovingly, in a scratchy whisper to keep back all those tears that she's saving for when they hang up, _"Come home, Ei-chan. Come home."_

At once, Eijun's overtaken with the emotion of heating himself say that his cancer will come back and by his mother's immediate response to come home to her.

 _"I feel like giving up. I'm tired, mom. I can't keep surviving these surgeries forever...you know that, don't you? Look at me!" Eijun_ cry as if his precious mother were standing in front of him.

 _"Mom... there are only so many pieces that they can take out. This just doesn't work. It doesn't go away. Radiation doesn't even kill these stupid tumors, they just eat it for lunch, and keep on marching! Why you would want to do this with me makes no sense at all. You shouldn't live with this, too. Don't you understand that you'll have a son who always has cancer? You didn't need to do this, mom. This is long road and there's no cure. I feel that all I am any more is burden to you and to the others. I'm a complete drain, emotionally and financially. I don't want that. Frankly, I don't believe that you can want a son like this, forever."_ Eijun stops, sorry that he has been raving, but more so because his mother had to hear the truth from so far away. Clearly, she's heard the desperation in his son's voice.

 _"I'll be standing right there with my arms wide open when you get off that car. I need you, we need you, Ei-chan. You can do this."_ His mother said.

 _"Come home, my son. I promise you, I'll never let you go there alone again. I'm sorry I let you and your father go always without me, but I'm right here. We're all right here for you...we need you to come home. Okay?"_ She said very quietly with pure love.

 _"Okay... dad's here."_ Eijun answer from the corner of his fear. _"We have to go. We'll see you at the house. I love you, mom."_

 _"Okay. I love you too my son."_

Quietly closing the phone and dropping it into the pocket of his jacket, he hear it make that chiming sound that tells him the battery's dead. It shuts off. Thanks to his stupid cell phone he's wondering how many cells are left in his battery, before he shut down?

Stepping up into the taxi, Eijjun take the front seat and squeeze himself close to the window, it's a shoulder to lean on. He start to cry and can't stop. He think it's a good thing that it's him, his father and a driver in the car all the way to the train station. The driver keeps his eyes on the road ahead, yet he's fully aware of the stream of tears beside him. He just keeps driving, Eijun think he knew the reason.


	11. Chapter 11

**FINAL CHAPTER  
**

The pain started right below Eijun's sternum. After bearing with it for three hours, he decide that he should probably go to the hospital, again.

 _"Damn! I just wonder if this shot of medicine is doing enough for me."_

He's groaning out loud, more or less to himself, as his father and mother travel the familiar drive down to the emergency room. The doctor thinking that young boy's pain indicates a bowel obstruction. But after reading the X-ray, Eijun find out that his pain is most likely from scar tissue in many places where his bowels have been cut and then stitched back together. That is a lot of places.

"Mr and Mrs. Sawamura, I must report that on your son's scans. We see seven new spots on his liver." The doctor informs them just before he sends the Sawamura family home.

 _"Seven new spots?"_ Eijun's mother cried.

But for Eijun, a tumor is a tumor, no matter the size.

 _"Oh, good, now I can wait for the thing that is trying to kill me to grow. It isn't fun waiting for something as deadly as cancer to grow, not just waiting but allowing, so that I can line myself up for yet another surgery, which as far as I'm concerned, may lead to another staph infection."_ Eijun said to himself.

This month he'll head back to Tokyo for another set of scans and most likely surgery on his liver. He decide not to tell his friends now, going against all of the advice recommending that he should. Eijun will tell them one day, why sorry them now? He's completely confused.

One Saturday night, it's a clear night sky. Eijun was sipping tea and sitting on the wooden floor alone. He hear his cell phone ringing. He hear the voice of an acquaintance he haven't talked to in many many months.

 _"What are you saying, Youichi-senpai?"_ He think out loud. After the message is through, Eijun listen more carefully this time, then he listen a third time.

 _"Hey, what's up?"_ Kuramochi begins. _"We're apologize for not visiting you every time you come to Tokyo. I've heard from head coach that you're still suffering with your... your cancer. There's something I think might help you feel... happy. We, the baseball club make a video for you."_

Some things Eijun's simply drawn to do, beyond his own reasoning. He suppose that checking an e-mail with video attached at 10:30 pm is just as such an activity for him. He click and play it, then, Eijun heard and watch the boys were all singing a song for him and clips with their bloopers in the baseball training.

He begin to weep uncontrollably for the sheer joy. He want to hug them all now, even if he have to travel back to Tokyo to do it. No longer able to keep this to himself, Eijun wake his family, he tell them to watch the video from his baseball team in his cellphone. His grandfather squinting at the screen, trying to keep dozing through Eijun's words while appearing to pay attention.

He ask and answer his own questions, _"Have I gone completely mad, or do you think Seidou will win Koshien this year?"_

 _"It could."_ He answer, and add, _"I want to see them all...I miss them so much."_

But Eijun's family is quiet.

 _"I'm... I'm scared. I might_ _never see them again_. _"_ Eijun mumble.

His mother, father and grandfather were watching the video and Eijun watch their expression and the tears in the corners of their eyes.

 _"I'm here. I'm here, honey."_ Eijun's mother hug him.

That night, Eijun and his family were drinking tea together for the first time, he was thinking that in 3 days, he was scheduled for surgery to remove the seven spots on his liver that they saw on his last scan. And then, when the doctor first delivers the bad news, they're not buying it _._

 _"Well, from what I can see here, your liver looks bad, Sawamura-kun."_

Eijun's father nearly fall off the couch, the one that he had become so accustomed to being nailed to with bad news.

 _"What?!"_ Eijun's father's gasped.

 _"This looks really bad..."_ The doctor says mainly to himself as he cranes his head toward the flat screen in front of the father and son.

 _"Do you consider reading CT scans to be one of your damn key talents as my son's doctor?"_ Eijun's father ask.

 _"Are you asking me if I could be making a mistake sir?"_ He blurts, breaking into the first sad smile they have ever seen on the doctor's face.

 _"Well, frankly, if I can get away without insulting you, yes I am."_ Eijun's father quip.

 _"Well, of course I could be, but I'm not,"_ The doctor answers as a matter of fact. _"Even if I had, then Doctor Hideki would have caught it. He's already looked at them, and he see anything on your liver. In fact, he's already checked you of his surgery schedule for another month."_ He said, backing up his first answer.

 _"This might be someone else's scan. How can I be sure?"_ Eijun thought.

 _"What are we gonna do now...?"_ Eijun's father sighed.

 _"Can we head home now?"_ Eijun ask.

 _"You sure can."_ The doctor reply.

 _"When do you want to see me again?"_ Eijun ask again.

 _"Six months."_ The doctor reply.

 _"I've graduated to six months, instead of three huh?"_ Eijun thought to himself.

Back at hotel, Eijun was crying nonstop while his father watching his son. Eijun do a final sniff before he head for his backpack. He stuff it with his jacket and other foods from convenience store as if the building's on fire. He wants to go home now.

 _"Dad, I feel like I'm going to die. Do you think this could be my last day?"_ He ask his father.

 _"I don't know Eijun, we don't really know everything. But we're here for you."  
_

The father and son are walking calmly to get to the taxi. Once at the Tokyo train station, they were slowly walking through the hallway that Eijun have come to known so well. Holding hands, the father and son keep trading looks with each other and bursting in tears. After that, while sitting on the chair, Eijun ask his father who are staring out the window train blankly.

 _"How can we know, dad? What should I do? I still feel like... I'm going to die."_ Eijun finally stop.

 _"No, no...be happy, my son. It's okay. I will ask the doctor to see what he thinks."_ His father senses that his son's mind is alert and still turning questions.

 _"I'm scared."_ Eijun mumble.

 _"It's okay. We're here for you. You can take a nap, Eijun."_ His father says in a slur as he took Eijun's head slowly to lay on his lap.

"It's so peaceful and quiet here, dad." Eijun said.

"Yeah..." His father smiled.

Eijun have to come to peace with the unknown, again. He try to reason with that, but he's still full of questions. He decided that, when they arrived in Nagano, Eijun will keep all of his questions to himself, at least for a while. He will just let his father enjoy this present moment together after the harsh storm which has worn the Sawamura family ragged.

Eijun think that being the person with cancer, the only thing that will give him the same feeling that things will be okay is time. He don't know if his cancer's coming or going, or why. He don't need to be afraid but he actually afraid that time. As they travel back to Nagano, his childhood friends await them at their house. Wakana was there, as well as his many friends. Even though his mother and grandfather heard the news from Eijun over 4 hours ago, they become tearful at the sight of Eijun and his force smile, so fat it's making his face hurt.

Suddenly, he's popular with everyone, making him instantly suspicious. People he barely know are supporting for him. Even some people who never approached him before, appear from nowhere and hug him. After the little conversation, Eijun was lying in the bed, waiting. He's waiting for an answer that makes sense.

 _"_ __I feel my body going numb_. I guess my time is coming soon..." _

He wait for the little noises to stop. He hear his mother and father barefooted on the other room, then his grandfather's footsteps, into the kitchen, making his tea. He let the house settle. Eijun let the beating of his heart slow until it feels empty and open. Then he fill it with the sounds of his loving family, doing simple things on ordinary night. He's still there, listening.

 _"You see how tired and sick he has been, haven't you? But now Eijun needs to rest. He's getting too sick to travel back and forth anymore."_ Eijun's father told them.

 _"W-we know our son is going to die. The good thing about him is that he will be in good hands because we do know that.."_ Eijun's father explain, tears on his eyes.

 _"It's time to let him go."_ Eijun's grandfather said.

Hours later, Eijun's mother slept in his room so that she would not miss his son's morning face and beautiful smile.

 _"How do I look, mom?"_ Eijun ask.

 _"You're so handsome and perfect Eijun."_ She wrap her arms around his son.

 _"You're lying. I'm so thin and pale now."_ Eijun smirk.

 _"You're still the most handsome creature for me Eijun because you are my son._ " His mother smile back.

Eijun closed his eyes in hopes of keeping his own tears from falling but he's still smiling from the inside out. His cancer journey was nearing its end that night, he's also hoping that he would see the baseball club one last time. He had been crying, but now he just lay numb, saddened by the thought that he would probably die besides his loving mother on his small room.

 _"I love you mom."_ Eijun smiled.

His mother took his hand gently, staring into his son's tired eyes and smiled. Eijun smiled back and waited a few moments.

 _"M-Mom, I have a favor..."_ Eijun's voice was barely audible now.

 _"Sure, what is it?"_

On the night before Eijun passed away, he talked to his mother about the baseball club. He asked her to write a letter telling how proud he was to become part of them. His mother nodded with tears falling from her cheeks. The next morning, she saw Eijun quietly died in his sleep.


End file.
